9 Jareds To Avoid At All Costs
By Jackie Opritza
Donald Trump’s noxious chosen one is, alas, not the only terrible Jared.
It’s a proven fact that a disproportionate number of terrible men are Jareds; just ask Jared Kushner, Trump’s absurdly empowered son-in-law with shady connections to Russia and a firm belief that he alone can figure out this whole Middle East thing (what, like it’s hard?).
He’s not the only noxious Jared. Here’s a comprehensive guide to eight other Jareds to avoid, particularly on the dating scene (blessedly, you will likely never encounter Kushner in the dating world, unless he has a secret Tinder account, which honestly kind of makes sense).
We recommend you keep this list handy at all times.
8. Startup CEO Jared
Where you’ll meet him: “Working remotely” in an overpriced coffee shop in the Pacific Northwest.
Why avoid dating him? Startup CEO Jared may have just received a shit-load of funding for his app to disrupt the vegan spoon drone delivery industry, but he is an asshole whose offer of a marketing role at his company is a pretext for creeping on you during the weekly cocktail hour. His degree at Stanford was in mansplaining with a concentration in taking credit for your ideas at staff meetings.
One redeeming virtue: You can filch free Tcho chocolates and coconut water from his office kitchen and also sue him for sexual harassment.
7. Raw Food Jared
Where you’ll meet him: Grinding his own almond butter in the granola aisle at Whole Foods.
Why avoid dating him? Raw Food Jared will never let you eat a real meal again, unless you consider uncooked lentils in a burlap sack a “meal.” When he catches you curled up in a ball on the floor of your closet mainlining Cheetos, he screams that you are “destroying your gut flora and the environment,” and slams the door on his way out to the Bernie event as your hot, hungry tears cause the cheese dust coating your chin to congeal.
One redeeming virtue: High in fiber and full of soothing aloe.
6. Roommate Jared
Where you’ll meet him: Craigslist and then your tiny shared bathroom.
Why avoid dating him? Roommate Jared lives on the other side of the paper-thin partition you put up in your studio to turn it into a “junior one bedroom.” When you break up, he disappears to Burning Man for five days and then returns in the dead of the night while you are asleep to get his things. He leaves you a note that says, “Sorry — I just can’t do this, too painful. Also I spent my half of this month’s rent on shrooms. Blessings to you babe xo.”
One redeeming virtue: Accidentally left his shrooms on the ironing board that also serves as your kitchen table.
5. Hometown Jared
Where you’ll meet him: 2 a.m. on Thanksgiving Eve at your hometown IHOP.
Why avoid dating him? “Homeslice J” may be all up in your business now, but he nicknamed you “Bubblegum Butt” in kindergarten and you have a long fucking memory. He nominally works as a manager at his dad’s carpet warehouse, but spends most shifts watching extremely disturbing porn on his phone in the break room at full volume without headphones.
One redeeming virtue: Is your hometown’s only source of decent weed.
4. Vampire Jared
Where you’ll meet him: Bon Temps; Sunnydale; Forks; Mystic Falls.
Why avoid dating him? Banging a vampire may sound sexy, but after enduring a millennium of night, Vampire Jared is homicidal and listless. He refuses to be your date to Meryl’s wedding because “she’s a bitch” and “the wedding is at high noon,” which is super rude because you’ve known her since freshman year and there’s going to be a UV light-blocking tent at the venue. Also he murders people and drinks their blood.
One redeeming virtue: Okay, vampires are still kind of sexy.
3. Stilts Jared
Where you’ll meet him: San Francisco’s Golden Gate Park; Hell.
Why avoid dating him? Stilts Jared only wears stilts. This means that stilts are his only footwear. He wears them everywhere: the gym, Starbucks, the opera, bed. He’s not even in a circus or a Ren Faire or anything; he just really enjoys stilts.
One redeeming virtue: Can easily reach the tall kitchen cupboard where you keep the juicer.
2. Jared Jared
Where you’ll meet him: OkCupid; your podiatrist’s office.
Why avoid dating him? Jared Jared’s first and last names are both “Jared.” No, you cannot call him “J.J.” He wants to name his firstborn child — not son, but child — “Jared Jared Jared,” after his grandfather. No, he is not kidding. No, he doesn’t think that is weird. No, he is not getting defensive!
One redeeming virtue: He wants kids.
1. Cousin Jared
Where you’ll meet him: Your 92-year-old Great Aunt Edith’s wake in Burlington, Vermont.
Why avoid dating him? Cousin Jared got really hot since you last saw him in middle school, but his mom and your mom are definitely sisters. And no, your mom was definitely not adopted. Sorry.
One redeeming virtue: He is not surprised or repulsed by your inherited IBS with diarrhea.