9 Things You’re Too Old For At Age 30

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The only list you ever need to read about being too old for shit.

I regret to inform you that once you reach the age of 30, there are certain things that you are too old to do. I’m sorry to tell you this, but it’s true. I’m just looking out for you. I hope you’ll understand. Please, take my advice. At age 30 you are too old for these nine things.

1. Seeing a pediatrician

If your doctor’s waiting room has wallpaper covered in characters from Frozen and a stack of sticky Highlights magazines on the table, you may need to rethink your health-care choices. I know, we all love playing with the wooden beads on the wire, but it’s time to let the children have it. If, however, you are seeing a pediatrician as in seeing a pediatrician, then by all means, enjoy your date.

2. A car seat

I appreciate your commitment to car safety, but at age 30, I’m confident that you can handle sitting in the front seat without incident. Don’t forget to buckle your seatbelt.

3. A babysitter

When you’ve reached the age of 30, there is no more “home alone.” There is just “home, alone.” No one cares if you are without adult supervision, because the horrifying thing is that you are the adult. (THE ADULT IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!) The babysitter was you the entire time — you just didn’t know it yet.

When you’ve reached the age of 30, there is no more ‘home alone.’ There is just ‘home, alone.’

4. Preschool

They say you can never go home again. What they should say is, “you can never go to preschool again.” Rather, you can, but strictly as a parent or teacher. They don’t like it when you swing by for naptime. They actually get really uptight about it. I’ve learned that the closest adult equivalent to preschool is happy hour. But they get really uptight when you try to nap at happy hour. Being an adult is coming to the realization that you can no longer nap in public.

5. Throwing a tantrum

Few of us appreciated the freedom we had as toddlers to throw our wailing bodies on the floor and engage in an epic temper tantrum. Alas, those days are gone. I’m sorry. Now when Ted from marketing asks if you mind staying late to “brainstorm,” you’re going to have to respond in a manner that does not involve high-pitched shrieks, knocking your head on the floor, or even karate kicks…even though Ted totally, totally sucks.

Being an adult is coming to the realization that you can no longer nap in public.

6. Taking things that don’t belong to you

When you’re a kid, if someone hurts your feelings, your instinct is to retaliate by taking their favorite toy. That is something that you need to leave behind. I don’t care what Lily did on How I Met Your Mother; “Aldrin Justice” (Lily’s practice of stealing things from people who were mean to her) was a juvenile, immature, stupid idea. If you do this, people will catch on, and they will stop inviting you to their dinner parties. Unless…that was your plan…all along. Huh. Well played.

7. Climbing into the safety of your parent’s lap

This one hurts, I know, but if you’re 30, you can’t really cry, pout, and sit in your parents’ laps while they make gentle “shhh”-ing noises and gently pet your hair. There are a few reasons for this. One is, your parents are getting old. And you’re getting big. Lap real estate is prime for toddlers. Also, your parents have shit to do. They’re still trying to figure out Twitter. They still love you. They still want to help you, when they can. But they trust that as a 30-year-old, you’re going to figure it out for yourself.

8. Letting your crush know you like them by pulling their hair

If you’re a 30-year-old man, and you’ve had success in running up to a girl at a bar, pulling her hair, and running away, then I need to interview you, because that could be the story of the year. The time has come for respectful flirting. Unfortunately, women are still dealing with men who think it’s appropriate to be mean to women to get them to like them. Some call these men “Pick-Up Artists.” I call them “kindergartners.”

9. Believing in Santa

Santa Claus is not real. I’m sorry. It was your parents the entire time. I know, I know, the cookies were eaten and the tags read “from Santa.” That seems like hard-hitting evidence. But those were clever lies.

Some things you are not “too old” for or “too old” to do at age 30

Having a girl’s night out, wearing graphic kitten t-shirts, pom pom socks, wearing whatever the fuck you want, sleeping in on weekends, telling your parents you love them, watching cartoons, watching teen dramas on the CW, watching whatever the fuck you want, drinking juice boxes, laughing at fart jokes, coloring books, and Mr. Rogers. You are never, ever too old for Mr. Rogers. That man was a genius. Watching an episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood is like free therapy. Go for it. Live your life. You’re 30, and you’re fine.

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