A Collection Of My Recent Stress Dreams, Illustrated

APL School Day December 2014

I am a bridesmaid in a stranger’s wedding. I get distracted and lose track of the time, and suddenly I realize I am late for the ceremony. I get to the church, but realize the ceremony has already started without me. I look down at myself and realize I’m not even wearing my bridesmaid’s dress yet. I have managed to miss the wedding I am in. I look over and realize that my ex-boyfriend is on the groom’s side in the bridal party and my next immediate thought is that he must be so smug right now over how royally I’ve screwed up. My only consolation is that he appears to have gotten a really terrible haircut before this wedding, and that I know in real life, he is extremely sensitive about his hair.

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My boss has mailed me a pet iguana. She wants to video-chat to see me with it and relish in my reaction to this gift. I have exiled the iguana to my bathtub, because it terrifies me. I tell her I love it but she’ll have to see it later, when it’s awake.

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I am invited to be a guest on a non-existent podcast, in which my new friends recap episodes of Columbo. I thought we were all here to talk about Friday Night Lights, but I’m too embarrassed to admit I watched the wrong show. I start inventing a storyline in which Connie Britton solves mysteries. Her hair looks fantastic, of course.

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My dad calls to tell me he’s moving to Panama. My first concern is that this probably means he’s not going to store the contents of my childhood bedroom in his basement anymore.

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My ex-boyfriend is dating my aunt. No one has the guts to tell me, and I have to find out for myself when I see them canoodling in the produce aisle at Whole Foods.

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I am stuck on an airport shuttle on loop. There’s no one else on the shuttle, and the driver won’t even slow down when we get close to where my car is parked. I don’t have my luggage with me, and I worry I may have left it at the airport. I ask the driver if we can go back, only to realize that the driver is Levar Burton.

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***

Lead image: flickr.com/Kate Renkes.

All illustrations by Guy Wagner

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