A Letter To The Tooth Fairy From The Department Of Homeland Security

We simply cannot allow you to remain in this country or enter it ever again.

Ms. (or Mr.?) Tooth Fairy:

Unfortunately, we have no recourse but to deny your appeal against your deportation order. While you claim many children may be traumatized by your deportation and subsequent barred entry into the United States, your ongoing lack of cooperation in this investigation undermines your plea. The agency questions the nature of your motives and you are under suspicion for criminal activity.

In light of these accusations, we simply cannot allow you to remain in this country or enter it ever again.

Fairyland is not a nation recognized by the State Department, but even if it were, your claims that your home nation does not believe in documentation or any boundaries whatsoever is a troubling assertion. (For reference, please see Putin’s recent insistence that “Russia has no borders.”)

You expand upon this by saying “Fairyland is all around, if you only have the innocence to see it.” According to you, anyone can enter Fairyland “if they truly believe in fairies or have a pinch of magic dust.” They will then “be surrounded by everlasting joy and beauty, and will never age.”

Fairyland is not a nation recognized by the State Department.

Our colleagues at the DEA are eager to run tests on this so-called magic dust, which makes everything happy and beautiful. There are concerns that you may be dealing this magic dust to children when you enter their bedrooms in the middle of the night without permission or supervision.

Agents from the FBI’s Criminal Investigative Division would also like to discuss these nighttime visits with you. If any children were transported to Fairyland or if you came from Fairyland with the intent to commit crimes against minors, the FBI’s International Task Force will be notified. We do not currently have extradition rights with Fairyland, since we have no idea where it is, but we are prepared to pursue them, if necessary.

We do not take nocturnal visits to minors lightly, especially since you claim you wanted to “share love and magic” and “fill children with wonder and joy.” We’d like to remind you that your interview was recorded, and has been shared with the FBI.

We do not currently have extradition rights with Fairyland.

Your gender identification issues add to our list of concerns. You claim that you are “androgynous” and that you don’t identify as male or female, but are “unfettered by gender, and can change bodily identity at will.” Our new administration here in the United States of America does not approve of gender fluidity, and as a result, we must sentence you to conversion therapy before your deportation.

Please note that electric shocks will only be administered under medical supervision, and that no bakeries will serve you cake until you have decided upon an appropriate (and matching) sex, gender, and orientation. Your choices are simple: You could be female, female, and heterosexual OR male, male, and heterosexual. Unlike Fairyland, the United States makes it easy, offering two, correct lifestyle choices.

Our new administration here in the United States of America does not approve of gender fluidity.

These sanctions and potential criminal charges may seem severe, but we’re open to a bargain if you willingly speak with members of our department.

We believe you are part of a ring of international child traffickers, and if you are willing to turn over the suspected kingpins of your operation, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, we would consider going to go to bat for a lower sentence. In addition, we’d like to know more about this very active black market for children’s teeth.

Agent Collins
Department of Homeland Security

P.S. In the event that you choose a female identity and adopt an Eastern European accent in keeping with your no-border master plan, President Trump has requested a personal audience with you. He is intrigued by the idea of a beautiful foreigner who never ages and does not need to eat. He also believes some of your magic dust may help fortify him during his 3 a.m. Twitter rampages, but you didn’t hear it from us, and we will deny it if you try and quote us.

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