April Fools’ Pranks For The Presidential Candidates

There are few days worse than April Fools’ Day. April 1 is the day that you learn how uncreative, unfunny, and untrustworthy your friends and family are. Is your wife pregnant??? APRIL FOOLS. Eiffel Tower collapse? Oh no, the horror, the lives lost — APRIL FOOLS. Today is the day that the assholes win — even more than usual!

But if you aren’t an asshole, don’t bother with the fake Facebook status announcing your divorce from your husband of 10 years, as you’ll only be upset by how easily everyone believes it. Instead, let’s leave the pranks to the professional assholes — our politicians. April Fools’ Day during an election year is an epic opportunity for assholery that simply can’t be passed up.

I know that most of our presidential candidates are busy arguing about their respective penis sizes, so I’ve decided to do everyone a solid and come up with April Fools’ pranks for our candidates — pranks so absurd they almost rival, well, everything else that’s happened in this campaign so far. So let’s all celebrate our least favorite holiday with our least favorite people.

John Kasich: Announce that you are running for president . . . Oh, you already did that? No you didn’t, you liar. I’m sure I would have heard something . . . see — you almost fooled me!