Bad Advice On Anatomically Correct Sex Toys

By The Bad Advisor

flickr/shankar s.
Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“My wife and I recently moved, taking jobs that are closer to our son and daughter-in-law. They have no children but want to start a family, and we are praying for our first grandchild.
When they take business trips (which is often), I take care of their cats and dogs. A few days ago, while I was in their bedroom (where the cats are kept), I saw an anatomically correct sex toy that had been left on the bed stand. I’m no prude, but should I say something to my son? We have an excellent relationship. I’m concerned that he may need some fatherly advice if they are having conception problems. What do you think?”
—From “CONCERNED IN WASHINGTON” via “Dear Abby,” 27 March 2017

Dear Concerned,

Would that every father was as attuned as you are to this clear cry for help from your struggling son and his undoubtedly confused wife. Imagine being in their shoes — or, more appropriately, their bed, as you already have so helpfully done. This poor pair, banging away day and night with a fleshy, be-scroted dildo, putting it every which where, and month after month, failing to conceive its child despite their most earnest efforts. With nowhere to turn, they did the only thing that made sense: put that big ole’ swingin’ proto-penis on their nightstand where they knew you, in your eminent wisdom, would find it and set them on the path to parenthood at last.

Fatherly advice is precisely what is in order here, lest this pair of grown adult humans continue to fiddle about helplessly in the dark with the anatomically correct sexual apparatus that, along with the lack of your sage sexual guidance, is standing between them and the family they desire. A detailed accounting of your tips and tricks for human biological reproduction will certainly put parenting at the forefront of their minds every time they enter their boudoir.

“I have a handful of mommy friends that have come into my life within the past few years.
I have one 3-year-old son. We get invited to many birthday parties.
I had a birthday party for my son last month.
One mom and her son were sick, so they could not attend.
Last week they came over for a play date at our house. I thought she would bring a belated card and gift, but she did not. But then, she invited us to her son’s birthday at the end of the month.
Do we bring a gift? Discuss exchanging gifts? My hubby says people just don’t talk about this kind of stuff. I don’t want to hurt or offend her, but I also don’t want to end up feeling used.
Also, we have many friends who have two or more kids. How do we celebrate all of their birthdays without feeling that we are expending much more money on them than they do for us?
Is it wrong to want things to be even between friends? My fear is that if I don’t keep things fairly even then over time I may have resentment and regret.
I already do nice little extras for my friends. I put together Valentine treat bags for my mommy friends as a surprise and delivered them at a mommy night out.
I would just like to feel like my kindness will be occasionally reciprocated.”
— From “Wondering Mommy” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 27 March 2017

Dear Wondering Mommy,

The Bad Advisor never wishes to blame the mommy-victim, but she wonders: Have you considered putting a mommy delivery confirmation on your bi-weekly mommy invoices? It may less be that these mommies have failed to hold up their end of the mommy friend bargain, and more be that these mommies have so much mommying to catch up on that they’re missing their mommy mail. It happens to even the best of mommies — well, almost all of them. It never happens, of course, to you.

“My daughter is getting married this summer, and my husband and I are upset about the informality of the groomsmen’s attire. They are planning to wear only tuxedo pants, shirts and vests. No tie, no jacket. This is going to be a formal church wedding, and I have spent a lot of money on my daughter’s dress. My husband feels this shows a lack of respect for my daughter. What is the best way to handle this without issuing an ultimatum?”
— From “Bride’s Parents” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” 2 April 2017

Dear Bride’s Parents,

Soon enough, your daughter will be wed, and her husband will take on the responsibility to decide what is and isn’t respectful of his grateful helpmeet. But in the meantime, you have one final duty: to dictate the clothing choices of others in order to ensure that they convey the appropriate level of deference to your little princess, who has no thoughts or opinions of her own that are worth taking into consideration, and who has either been hoodwinked or cajoled into agreeing to this sartorial insurrection, due to her wholesale lack of human agency, personal preferences, independent thoughts, or other characteristics unbecoming a young lady. You must be both excited and sorry to relinquish this burden — it must undoubtedly be time-consuming to vet the wardrobe of every man who crosses her path.

Many young couples enter into engagements believing that their nuptials have something to do with their own tastes and desires; it is certainly a late hour at which to disabuse these two of their erroneous assumptions about the role they will play in the upcoming festivities, but it must be done to preserve your wedding. Issuing an ultimatum would be harsh, of course — simply tell these groomsmen the same thing you’d tell the other men who have dared to appear sans-jacket in your daughter’s glorious presence. No need to reinvent the wheel; whatever phrasing you use to berate the discourteous rogues at Costco will work.

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