Bad Advice On Berating People While They Shower

By The Bad Advisor

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“I met a guy at a recent event and we hit it off really well from the start. We found out that we had very similar musical tastes, views on the world, and hobbies, and that we are both very family-oriented. I find myself to be very attracted to him and always enjoy our time together. However, as we are both in our late 20s — and I, for one, take dating a little more seriously now — I am a little turned off by the fact that he never finished his college degree. Don’t get me wrong, he works hard and has a great job right now. But, as someone who really values education, I’m having a hard time accepting the fact that he has no intentions of finishing school. Am I being too unrealistic?”
— From “Master’s Degree via “Love Letters,” Boston.com, 22 Feb 2017

Dear Master’s Degree,

Men who share your taste, hobbies, and hopes for the future are a dime a dozen, but a man with a college degree is a rare jewel — a unique, unicorn-esque needle-jewel in the giant gemstone haystack of life, a haystack that is just absolutely teeming with dudes you find attractive, who also enjoy your favorite bands, who appreciate your worldview, who are entertained by your hobbies, and whose approach to family life is an echo of your own. That haystack is actually a hundred haystacks, in a hayfield of haystacks, because in fact your life is like nothing so much as a pastoral Midwestern watercolor painting of haystacks that are absolutely lousy with hot, family-oriented, morally upstanding men with good taste in music and agreeable hobbies.

You’ve learned the hard way, by meeting a sexy dude you’re very into who likes the things you like and wants the things you want, that these are the worst haystacks, just miserable piles of hot cool men with good jobs and solid values. Terrible, miserable haystacks, totally devoid of the only thing that matters: college degrees.

There is one way to value education, and that way is to earn a college degree.

There is one way to value education, and that way is to earn a college degree. Anyone without a college degree does not value education, and there’s no reason for anyone not to get a college degree. Everyone who has a college degree is trustworthy, successful, and sexually proficient, unlike this gentleman friend of yours, whose lack of college degree is the fulcrum on which the future failure of your relationship rests. Leave this worthless, entertaining, gainfully employed, attractive ne’er-do-well, and find you a man with a piece of paper on his wall and a real good story about the time he showed up to Freshman Comp totally schwasted.

“After 32 years of marriage, my wife went out and got a tattoo on her shoulder. It’s about 8 inches by 6 inches (quite large), and she did it without any advance discussion with me, which has left me sort of shocked. Her position is that it’s her body and she’ll do what she wants. This has driven a wedge between us, and I’m not sure if we can move forward. What is your advice?”
—From “UNMARKED IN NEVADA” via “Dear Abby,” 28 Feb 2017

Dear Unmarked in Nevada,

I do not wish to scold you during your time of crisis, “Unmarked,” but after 32 years of marriage, your wife should know better than to think it has ownership over its own body. Women are naturally inefficient learners and can be difficult to train due to their intellectual inferiority and prolonged exposure to dishwashing liquid, but this is excessive.

Your wife should know better than to think it has ownership over its own body.

I know that you’re experiencing unthinkable trauma right now, what with having to come to terms with this vile defilement of your property, but I have to wonder: Who gave your wife the idea that its skin, its brain, its organs, its very physical essence, does not fall exclusively under the purview of its husband? No wonder this tattoo has become a “wedge” between you — one of you knows that your wife’s body came into your sole possession on the day its ownership was transferred to you by your wife’s father, and the other believes that your wife is an autonomous human being despite its marital status.

My advice is not to move forward but rather backward, into the comforting arms of your La-Z-Boy, whose limbs are marked only with decades of your greasy finger-love, until your wife brings you your dinner. Just wait. Really. As long as it takes. No, don’t get up. Please.

“I have a pet peeve about wasting food or water.
At my local aquatic center, after swimming I have noticed that some bathers just stand in the shower upward of 15 minutes, allowing the water to merely run down the drain.
It drives me crazy, knowing that there’s such scarcity of clean drinking water in many parts of the world, and these clueless women are wasting so much of it!
(I only use water to wet down and then to rinse off the soap. In between, I turn it off.)
I’d like your opinion on what I should say or do.
Would it be impolite to call this to the attention of the perpetrators, or should I just grit my teeth and mind my own business?”
— From “Not Water Logged” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 6 March 2017

Dear Not Water Logged,

There is nothing people appreciate more than being berated while naked, unless it is being berated while naked and wet. Naked, wet people are primed to listen carefully to lengthy lectures about the solvency of earth’s water supply, all the better if said screeds are delivered by a stranger at the local gym. The prevention of humanity’s untimely and thirsty demise rests on you and you alone, and the only way to end water waste is to holler at tired, damp people who don’t know you from Adam. You can be assured that they will spread your message — probably to the gym’s management.

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