Bad Advice On Counting Up Sexual Partners And Pining For Panties

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“I’m a married man in my 40s. I love my wife (we have no children by mutual agreement), and I know she loves me. I want to keep my marriage intact.
My problem is that my wife does nothing to make herself attractive to me. In fact, she chooses ‘looks’ that have the exact opposite effect, from her clothes to her hair, to her eye glasses. She is pretty, but seems to want to deliberately conceal this. She stopped exercising the instant we got engaged and does nothing to keep herself in shape. (She admitted the only reason she started working out was to get a boyfriend.) As a result, I’m not attracted to her anymore. I hate saying that, but it’s true.
I’ve tried communicating. I’ve complimented her massively when she dresses becomingly. I’ve asked her time and again to come to the gym with me. I’ve never been mean about it. Still, she does nothing.
All of this is compounded by the fact that she tells me every day how attractive she finds me. I do go to the gym regularly. I do it for myself, but I also do this to please her.
I work in sales and have been flirting with a divorced woman. We have admitted our mutual attraction. She’s 15 years older than my wife but looks 15 years younger. In a nutshell, she says she’d be happy to be an occasional ‘friend with benefits.’
I want this arrangement. Once a month would keep me happy; she said that would be her ‘ideal schedule,’ too. We haven’t done anything physical yet. So where do I go from here? Do I ask my wife for a ‘pass’? (She’d be crushed.) Do I try to talk with my wife yet again about why our sex life has gone so drastically downhill?
Any advice would be much appreciated, even if you need to remind me about my marriage vows. I appreciate your forthrightness, even if you are going to tell me off.
— From “Fit and Flirting” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 16 June 2017

Dear Fit and Flirting,

Where you go from here is straight into the arms of the hot lady from work! Stop playing coy and get that wang serviced. This is no time for serious conversations about the future of your relationship — you’ve got a boner! Mutual promises of fidelity don’t apply to unattractive people; if your wife wants a husband who treats her with honesty and respect as if she’s an adult human who is entitled to make an informed decision about whether she wants to stay married to a dude who’s fucking someone else, she should go to the gym sometime. Until then, you deserve to have both a friendly (but repulsive) face at home making your dinner and a horizontal tango partner.

This is no time for serious conversations about the future of your relationship — you’ve got a boner!

Because you’re objectively good-looking, you’re entitled to a certain amount of leeway when it comes to doing hurtful things to the people you love. The best solution to your relationship troubles is to violate the most basic tenet of your marital agreement so that you can do a splooge a couple times a month in the general vicinity of the gal from the fourth floor.

You need no reminder of your marriage vows! They simply don’t apply in this case, because your wife is ugly and doesn’t give a shit about it. Proceed to dip your dick in this other lady every 30 days, and the pieces of your life will all fall into place. You will be so happy with your monthly bone-a-thon. Cheating on your wife is a fantastic idea that will bring you a lot of joy.

“I’m getting married in two months. Yesterday, I received an invitation to my cousin’s bridal shower, which made me realize that none of my bridesmaids has bothered to ask if I would like one.
My maid of honor lives 16 hours away and is planning my bachelorette party. She can only make the trip for the weekend of the wedding. However, I have three other bridesmaids who live nearby. For one of them, I was the maid of honor and planned a shower. I am now left to purchase my own honeymoon lingerie and feel I am missing out on another celebration of this big step in my life.
I know it is rude to ask for a shower, and bringing up my disappointment will just cause unneeded drama. What can I do?”
—From “Disappointed in Mexico, Mo.” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” 14 June 2017

Dear Disappointed,

In rare and extreme circumstances, it’s acceptable to be a little bit rude, and being forced to purchase your own panties is just such a situation. Lacy drawers are a beautiful and important part of the next stage of your life that your loved ones should be anxious to share, and most people would be grateful to spend a few hours dedicating their time, money, and intellectual capacity to facilitating sexual intercourse for you. Don’t let these self-absorbed friends of yours off the hook for neglecting to provide you with clothing to fuck your husband in.

“For starters, I’m not a jealous man. I believe in letting a female be free and independent. My girlfriend of three months doesn’t like talking about her sexual past, although I have told her everything about mine, including the number of females I have slept with (six).
I told her that in normal conversation, as it wasn’t a big deal. But thinking back, I realized she never volunteered to tell me how many people she has been with sexually. She once told me that most guys she’s known objectify her and just want to have sex with her. So, I’m trying not to make the relationship all about sex — not that it would make much of a difference because I’m in love with her.
Maybe it’s a guy thing, but I want to know how many guys she’s been with. Is it too early in the relationship to ask, or should I inquire before we go any further?”
— From “Dear The Least Jealous Man On Earth” via “Ask Willie D.,” Houston Press, 15 June 2017

I hope your female human knows how lucky she is to be dating a guy who is as chill about sex stuff as you are. Imagine how frustrated your female would be if she were with a dude who obsessed about this kind of thing! Luckily, she snagged you, a man who is so chill that he believes his female human should be permitted to make her own decisions about where she goes, what she does, and who she associates with.

That’s pretty cool, which is why it’s weird that she has not given you an accounting of her past sexual behavior, something that doesn’t matter to you in the slightest. It’s just kind of off, though, isn’t it? She’s just letting day after day pass without cheerfully divulging the intimate facts of her private life, about which you could care less. That she doesn’t make more of an affirmative effort to give you the sexy details that you give not a single shit about would really be frustrating — if it made any difference to you.

She’s just letting day after day pass without cheerfully divulging the intimate facts of her private life, about which you could care less.

But this woman obviously isn’t aware of how deeply indifferent you are about knowing the precise number of men she’s slept with. Otherwise she would not have told you specifically that she did not wish to have her humanity tied to men’s interpretation of her sexual worth. Explain to her, as soon as possible, that you could not be less compelled to know how many dudes she’s fucked — and remind her daily of how little consequence her sexual past is to you. She’ll soon see just how much effort you’re putting into making the relationship about more than what happens in the bedroom, and the minutiae of her sexual past will matter less and less.

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