Bad Advice On Dating Racists And Oglers

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Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“I told my live-in girlfriend yesterday evening that earlier in the day I had noticed this pretty young lady walking by, whom I described in a favorable but not lewd light.
But, I said, even as I enjoyed the way she looked, I thought to myself how fortunate I am to have my girlfriend to be with and come home to, someone who I think is beautiful and virtually all I could ask for.
My girlfriend reacted coldly. We then proceeded not to speak much for the remainder of the evening.
Finally, I brought up the subject, and she said I should be more sensitive to her and her past experiences and basically that I should refrain from evincing any physical attraction for another woman. I said this reflected her own insecurities, a point she refused to concede. What’s your view?”
— From “Serious” via Carolyn Hax column, Washington Post, 24 January 2017

Dear Serious,

Today’s sensitive broads think they’re entitled to live every dang day of their lives without expressing gratitude to the men at home who think they are almost the best they could hope for. All you did was provide a gentle reminder to your girlfriend that there are plenty of lookers out there — boy howdy and did you ever see one today, let me tell you, in detail, honey — and that you are close to certain that your girlfriend offers most everything that you imagine probably this other woman — who was very good looking, as it happens — could not offer, most likely.

Being emotionally kind to your partner must always come second to telling her about the other hot people who exist on planet earth.

Your girlfriend’s chilly reaction is demonstrative of deep insecurities which you are not obligated to accommodate. Being emotionally kind to your partner must always come second to telling her about the other hot people who exist on planet earth and so that you can prove that she is still unreasonably insecure about her relationship with you, a person who thinks she is very nearly everything you could want, though a lot of other gals really look like they have potential.

“My girlfriend pins me up against a wall to kiss me every chance she gets. What does this mean?”
—From “ LIP LOCKED IN L.A.” via Dear Abby, 3 February 2017

Dear Lip-Locked in L.A.,

Without knowing what kind of wall, it’s impossible to say for certain.

“My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He’s eight years younger than I am. We have a great relationship except for our worldviews. While I am liberal, he is very racist. When the subject comes up, our conversations can become very heated.
I believe everyone is entitled to his/her opinion, but both of us have a hard time validating our opinions for each other. My boyfriend never directs his racist comments toward anyone in particular, but it’s hard for me not to take it that way.
One of my best friends is African-American, and my son is currently dating someone who is biracial. How do we agree to disagree without anyone being upset or hurt in the end?”
—From “OPEN-MINDED IN INDIANAPOLIS” via “Dear Abby,” 13 February 2017

Dear Open-Minded in Indianapolis,

Relationships are all about compromise, which in your case means two white people finding a mutually fulfilling way to agree to disagree about whether people of color are real individuals with real lives, dreams, and civil rights, lest the unthinkable happen: The two of you stop doing romance and sex things to each other. The stakes couldn’t be higher.

If you do not find a way to graciously accommodate your racist boyfriend’s racism, he may very well be accused of being a racist by one or more of the people in his orbit who are not more dedicated to boning him than they are to remaining emotionally and physically healthy and whole in the presence of a racist. Nothing hurts a person more than being called a racist, least of all actual racism, which is an abstract, consequence-free ideology to which racists are entitled to subscribe and perpetuate without having their beliefs questioned ever in any way.

If you do not find a way to graciously accommodate your racist boyfriend’s racism, he may very well be accused of being a racist.

Just because racists such as your boyfriend say, believe, and do actively harmful things to and about people of color doesn’t mean his experiences aren’t as important and valid as the human beings whom racists such as your boyfriend actively seek to oppress and subjugate. No one need get hurt as long as literally everyone quietly acquiesces to your boyfriend’s completely innocuous belief that his skin tone makes him superior to vast swaths of humanity and in the name of which gruesome, and often systemic, crimes have been and are committed. The basic humanity of people of color is a subject on which it is entirely possible to find middle ground — and you absolutely must, lest you experience the second-worst thing behind being called a racist: Going to sleep tonight in a bed without a racist in it.

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