Bad Advice On Food Crime And Fickle Skirts
Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“I’m a 36-year-old bachelor who has been casually dating the same woman for close to a year. We hang out, have sex, etc. I told her when we first met that I wasn’t ready for commitment, and she said neither was she. Fast-forward, now she’s telling me she’s in love with me and she wants to get married and have my kids.
I love her but I’m not in love with her. It’s not that I’m incapable of being in love (my previous relationship lasted five years). It’s just that I don’t want to be responsible for another human being. This is not the first time this has happened to me. Why do women like to play the game and change the rules?”
— From “Bachelor” via “Ask Willie D.,” Houston Press, 15 September 2016
If there’s one problem the Bad Advisor must address, week after week, it’s women doing and saying things as if they’re just entitled to go out in the world and do and say things. Certainly it’s a total bummer when uppity ladies be playing the game and changing the rules, but that’s a symptom of a larger social sickness: women operating under the impression that they are entitled to make or change their minds, feelings, or decisions based on new or updated information. And that, of course, is a symptom of an even more dire condition: women thinking they’re people.
Everyone knows that only men are people — everyone, it seems, except these fickle skirts who have the singular pleasure of ringing your unique and important ding-dong bell! And in particular, the fickle skirts with whom you, kind and honest Bachelor, have had the misfortune of interacting. These women are broadly (get it????) representative of all women everywhere, because whatever number of women you’ve come in contact with in a romantic capacity is definitely a sizeable enough sample that we can say, for certain: Women like to play the game and change the rules. It is a distinct, unforgivable, and uniquely female trait to have feelings or opinions that change over time, and women just fucking love it. They love thinking one thing, evaluating and exploring their thoughts and feelings, taking on new information, and forming new ideas and opinions based on their lived experiences! It’s the fucking worst and they are doing it to make you, specifically, sad. Which is particularly mean considering you weren’t sad a minute ago, and having emotions that change is such a puss-pant thing to do.
Women, ignorant of their cruel capriciousness, should do as you have admirably done: maintain the same mental and emotional state since the age of 12.
“For my son’s upcoming birthday party, we will be inviting his class and baseball team, as well as a few cousins. He has lots of toys already and doesn’t really need any more.
I know asking for cash, or any gift for that matter, is tacky, but since it is customary for people to bring gifts, I thought it would be convenient for us and cheaper for the guests to just give him a $5 bill instead of a toy that would not be used. The money would go into his piggy bank.
Not sure how to word this, though, without sounding awful. Please help. I don’t want to offend anyone, but it would be cheaper than an unused $20 toy that we don’t have room for.”
— From “Birthday Boy’s Mom” via “Miss Manners,” Washington Post, 15 September 2016
Dear Birthday Boy’s Mom,
While you’re tactfully not offending anyone by politely demanding dozens of people give your child cash money to offset the mountains of toys the poor thing is already too #blessed to play with, you may as well make it fun and practical! Set up a craft table outside the keep, where Junior’s friends and family can make little kneepads out of dollar bills, so that when they bow before his throne, they don’t further sully their rags. Everybody wins!
This way, your son gets the money he’s entitled to because he aged 365 days from the last time his friends and family festooned him with more toys than any child could ever imagine playing with — a tragedy, since children’s toys must forever remain with the child to whom they were given and can never be repurposed for charitable means.
“I live in an assisted-living facility. One of the other residents is grossly overweight and has high blood pressure and bumps on his arm that bleed. Any activity leaves him struggling for breath. I am concerned about this guy because the kitchen staff constantly gives him fattening foods that the other residents do not eat. Worse, they sometimes serve him a second helping of meals. This man does not simply eat food. He attacks it.
I don’t want anyone to get into trouble by complaining to the staff. Should I tell the head nurse or those family members who visit? Or do I say nothing until he drops dead?”
— From “Wondering” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” Creators.com, 11 September 2016
It’s a relief to hear you don’t want anyone but this disgusting food criminal, who day after day eats food in a way that displeases you, to get in trouble. That would be going a step too far. All that needs to happen here is that the food criminal begin an eating regimen that you find tasteful and appropriate, based on the extensive knowledge of your neighbor’s medical history, dietary needs, and social and physical capabilities, which you’ve gleaned from staring at him from across the room while he eats.
You can’t keep quiet; people die every day because their neighbors failed to tell them when, how, and what to eat. Too many of us are missing out on immortality because good people like you fail to yell at strangers about fresh fruit.
Lead image: Pixabay