Bad Advice On Foster Daughters And New Mom Nudity

By The Bad Advisor

Credit: flickr/UNICEF Ukraine
Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
Dear Miss Manners: My daughters-in-law host small parties and extend invitations to me through my daughter, saying to her: “Tell your dad he’s invited.’’ The in-laws have my phone number and are known to send texts.
Is it too much to expect a phone call or even a simple text directly from the hosts for such invitations? Do such indirect invitations reflect an insincere wish for my attendance, perhaps just for the sake of maintaining appearances?
—Miss Manners, Washington Post, 23 May 2017

Gentle Reader,

Everyone is anxious to have someone who thinks the worst of them attend their private social functions, so it is certainly not too much to expect that these rude women try harder to hang out with you. Expect away! Maybe some of your expectations that you be contacted directly by these awful people will arrive by expect-mail in time for the next shindig.

Dear Willie D.,
I’ll keep this short and to the point for obvious reasons. I just found out my 18-year-old foster daughter is five weeks pregnant. Since I’m the only man she’s ever been with sexually, that makes me the father. We are in love and desire to be together, but my wife and societal norms are standing in the way. Do we have the baby and move in together, or do we terminate, and continue to live as one big happy family?
—From “Fostering Sex” via Ask Willie D., Houston Press, 27 April 2017

Dear very normal and cool man who has definitely not sexually abused a child placed in his care,

Sadly, mean old wives and society ruin everything, especially the ability of agents of the state such as yourself to enter into coercive relationships with children placed in their care without getting all bitched at by fuddy-duddy wives and society members who are all weird about foster fathers impregnating foster children who are beholden to them for their very survival here on planet earth. Wives and society are together responsible for worldwide rejection of the sexual abuse and assault of children by their caretakers, who are obviously otherwise very chill guys like yourself, someone who for sure did not personally assault a person they’ve been charged with protecting from harm like some kind of complete and miserable creep who feels entitled to do whatever the fuck he wants to whoever the fuck he wants to do it to without facing any consequences whatsoever. What a drag!

Wives and society are together responsible for worldwide rejection of the sexual abuse and assault of children by their caretakers, who are obviously otherwise very chill guys like yourself.

This is a complicated situation that your local child protective agency can probably help out with. Definitely give them a call and provide a detailed account of your situation, and your worries about your wife and society at large interfering with your future plans will almost certainly fall to the wayside.

Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I’m seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the “naked mommy.” I’m 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or third, but most are on their first. I work in a physician’s office, so I see a lot of medical-related nudity, and it is not a problem for me. But when I check my email, text messages or Facebook page, it is an entirely different story. All of my “mommy friends” are posting pictures of themselves breast feeding or otherwise with everything hanging out for the world to see.
A friend of mine recently posted a very detailed video of the birth of her daughter. Another friend could have fielded a softball team with the number of people who were in the delivery room, including her husband’s male friends. It was weird. My sister, bless her heart, dropped her undies at a friend’s baby shower to show her episiotomy stitches.
I understand that going through the process of having a baby makes you inured to being naked. But that doesn’t mean others want to see you in the raw.
I’ve tried telling my friends that I have no interest in their breastfeeding and delivery videos, but they say I’m a prude. Am I wrong to think that just because you can take a picture of it doesn’t mean you should? — Not a Prude, Just Prudent
—From “Not a Prude, Just Prudent” via Annie’s Mailbox, Creators.com, 25 May 2017:

Dear Just Prudent,

You are not a prude to think that just because you can take a picture of it doesn’t mean you should, because you are the mayor of worldwide nakedness! There is a line beyond which it is unacceptable to display one’s body, and that line is wherever you say it is, whenever you say it is, for whomever you believe it should apply. You alone are the objective arbiter of acceptable nudity. Without your sage dictates concerning the state of dress of your friends and family, chaos would reign and people could end up having the birth and breastfeeding experiences that they choose for themselves, rather than the birth and breastfeeding experiences you, someone who is neither giving birth nor breastfeeding in the applicable circumstances, would choose to have. The things you want are entirely reasonable, and if other people do not want them, they are wrong and bad.

You are not a prude to think that just because you can take a picture of it doesn’t mean you should, because you are the mayor of worldwide nakedness!

When someone sends you a video of their birth experience, they know that you have no choice but to watch it, repeatedly, in detail and against your own will. And any breastfeeding person knows that, just as a compass is compelled to point north, your eyes absolutely must rest upon any local tit with a hungry child attached. Every uncovered body part that crosses within your orbit must be stared at directly until it is blessedly concealed once again, powerless as you are to control the movements of your eyes, the placement of your (fully-covered) ass or the direction of your feet.

And modern technology makes it so that it can often take up to a full half-second to press the “mute” button on someone’s social media profile! We can put a man on the moon (wearing a full body spacesuit, so take that, gross moms who think that giving birth naked is some kind of achievement) but it is far more burdensome for you to click the “mute” button a couple of times than it is for pregnant and parenting people to rearrange their entire lives in such a way as to ensure you never see anything but their exposed wrists and ankles.

These immodest cows owe it to you to be a little less selfish about literally bringing and maintaining life into and on planet earth, lest your delicate vision be irreparably damaged by an errant nipple.

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