Bad Advice On Gay Marriage And Used Panties

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

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“Dear Amy: My 4-year-old son came home from preschool one day and explained how one of the other children has ‘two uncles’ and how men can marry each other.
My son and I talked about how it’s very uncommon but does happen, and I left it at that. He’s only 4, and our family believes that consenting adults are consenting adults.
The neighborhood kids talk about marriage a lot. There are lots of girls here, and they all want to be princesses and get married.
When one of the girls decided to ‘marry’ someone other than my son, he decided to marry her older brother.
I think you can see where this is going.
How do I explain to my son that many people don’t view two people of the same gender as ‘marriageable’?
Also, how do I explain that we would prefer him to marry a girl but would accept a boy?”
From Confused Parent via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 15 September 2016

Dear Confused Parent,

Look, consenting adults are consenting adults. If they want to do gay, they can totally do gay. But if they do gay, it’s definitely because nobody ever told them not to. Not that the doing gay would be a bad thing! Not at all! You are totally cool with consenting adults doing the gay stuff that makes them too repulsive to marry. Your son, on the other hand, is not doing gay, because you told him not to do gay, and he therefore will spend the rest of his life experiencing the sexual feelings of his parents’ choosing. It is of the utmost importance that you carefully imagine, dictate, and determine the parameters of the future sex life of your 4-year-old child, as well as any of their potential future sex partners, lest the child develop some kind of unthinkable perversion such as gay, which is totally fine, just not, like, ideal. [Shudder]

You ask how you explain to your son that you’d prefer him to not do gay, but that it would be okay if he did gay (ew). But why ask? You’ve told your son not to do gay, and since your worldview is objectively true and correct, you already have solved the grodie, gay problem you for sure will never have.

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“Dear Annie: I have started dating a divorced Jewish man with a teenage daughter. I, too, am Jewish. ‘Simon’ has been divorced for many years, and has continued to celebrate the important high holidays in the company of his daughter and his ex-wife (who has not remarried).
Simon and I have a lot in common, and everything is going so well between us that I seriously would like to cultivate this relationship into something long-term. But what happens to me when the high holidays come around? Do I tag along to temple services with his family? Do I bow out and attend services elsewhere? Is it fair to expect him to change his family arrangement?
Maybe I should just look elsewhere for a serious relationship before this one gets any more involved. Truthfully, none of these options makes me happy. Please advise.”
From Odd Woman Out via “Annie’s Mailbox,” Creators.com, 18 September 2016

Dear Odd Woman Out,

You raise so many difficult questions here. Many of them are likely unanswerable, such as whether it is possible for individual humans with different familial and social affiliations to attend religious services at the same time and place. If only there were someone close to the situation, who knew the people involved and the history and traditions of the relevant parties, who could help you work through these queries to determine the best course of action going forward. But there just isn’t. Nobody on earth fits that description. Oh well.

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“A woman I follow on Instagram — whose account is open for all to follow — shares highly sexualized images of herself daily, e.g., pictures of her at the beach, pictures of her when she’s just waking up, pictures of her in a towel after a shower. Via direct message, I politely inquired about purchasing a pair of her used panties. She sent me a very rude note in response and then blocked me. I find this hypocritical, considering the highly sexualized nature of the photos she posts. She reads your column, something I know because she posted a photo of one, and I am writing to you in hopes that you will scold this woman for being so hypocritically prudish and also ask her to unblock me.”
Personally Hurt Over This Occurrence via “Savage Love,” 14 September 2016

Dear Personally Hurt Over This Occurrence,

Sadly, many women are under the impression that they have a right to decide who they interact with, how, and on what terms. This is derived from the mistaken belief, also held by many women who have been misled by the lived experience of their own human consciousness, that their bodies are their own and not the exclusive property of any random motherfucker out there who decides he needs to fap one out real quick.

It is, of course, hypocritical in the extreme for this woman not to immediately capitulate to the sexual demands of a complete stranger, seeing as how she has an Instagram account with photos on it. The logical result of posting photos of oneself on the internet — said photos being sexual in nature, because you determined that they were, and you are the final expert on the matter — is that one must address, at once, any errant boners. You made this woman aware that your boner was unattended, and she was rude in the extreme not to make assuaging your discomfort her first priority.

But then she went a step further and blocked you, preventing her master from managing his own God-given property. A lesser man might have abandoned this panty-seeking endeavor upon discovering that not only were the requested panties not likely to arrive forthwith, but that the panty provider actively wished not to be asked for more panties, or indeed anything else ever. But you, brave and strong, have persevered to take your appeal to the next available authority figure: literally anyone besides this woman who has expressly said that she has no desire to have any contact whatsoever, as if it’s up to her.

Cajoling and harassing ignorant, hateful floozies into interacting with you is a fun, safe, and interesting thing to do! She absolutely must unblock you so you can demand more non-consensual sexual favors from a woman you despise.

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Lead image: Pixabay

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