Bad Advice On Get-Rich-Quick Pregnancy Schemes And Scary Gay Neighbors

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“My family has been put in a difficult position. Last year, a woman my brother had a one-night-stand with became pregnant. I have heard from more than one person that she’s known as the town tramp or ‘crazy.’
We’re sure she planned it because he makes a good living and can support the child financially, and she insisted on keeping the baby. My brother, God bless him, is doing what’s necessary, although having a child with a woman he has come to despise weighs heavily on him.
How should we, his family, handle this? At this point, I have no interest in laying eyes on her or her baby, blood kin or not. I feel no affinity for the child because I know my brother didn’t want it. Maybe in time, I could find a way to know this child, but for now my anger prevents it.”
—From “LIVID SISTER IN TEXAS” via “Dear Abby,” 19 April 2017

Dear Livid Sister,

My heart goes out to you, the person at the heart of your brother’s unwitting bewitchment by this contemptible scuzz. Men are powerless to resist the opportunity to put their raw dicks in anyone who crosses their path, and your brother, who could not have known that engaging in sexual contact with this woman could result in her pregnancy, has been cruelly hoodwinked into one crafty seductress’ elaborate plan to put her life at risk to ensnare him in an 18-year financial scam that will take up most of her time and energy for the foreseeable future.

Men are powerless to resist the opportunity to put their raw dicks in anyone who crosses their path.

Now you have to suffer the unimaginable consequences: knowing a baby exists on earth because someone with a whole mind, body, and conscience of their own made a decision about whether to carry a pregnancy to term even though you didn’t think it was a good idea. Your poor brother bears no responsibility in this situation, and it’s time you put your energy to good use: working up a lifetime of resentment against a mean baby that got itself born at you.

“Our neighbor, ‘Harvey,’ is a homosexual and frequently has various men stay at his house overnight — sometimes more than one at a time.
Here’s the problem: We have an 11-year-old son, and though Harvey is nice to him and a good neighbor to us, should we keep our son from any association with Harvey? My husband doesn’t seem to think there’s any problem, but one can never be too safe when it comes to protecting your children.”
—From “Sleepless in Seattle” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” Creators.com, 25 April 2017

Dear Sleepless in Seattle,

You cannot be too careful when the homosexuals are so close at hand. One never knows when a little errant gay is going to hop over the fence and lodge itself in the heart of your pure, heterosexual flowerbed. There is only one reason a gay man might have people staying overnight in his home, and it’s elaborate sex parties filled with promiscuous raunchery, a behavior unique to gay people and in which straight people have never engaged, and even if they did engage in such behavior, which they would never do, it is completely fine because straight people never do creepy things.

You say that Harvey is a kind man and a good neighbor who has given you no reason whatsoever to question his character or intentions with your son, but it’s probably an elaborate cover for his plot to do a whole load of gay stuff in the front yard the next time your son is taking out the trash, because gay. Banning your son from any interaction with Harvey will ensure that he remains blissfully unaware that gay people exist and will have the added bonus of in no way piquing your child’s curiosity as to why he is suddenly forbidden from making eye contact with that guy mowing his lawn. Teaching your son to shun and fear one particular gay dude is a thoughtful plan that is guaranteed to keep him safe from harm for the rest of his life.

“We have lived in the same small town for more than a decade. My daughter is active in sports, church and family activities. A rather awkward but sweet girl, the same age as my daughter, moved into our neighborhood, and in the summer, the girls would occasionally play together.
During the school year, my daughter has a booked social calendar. She had a party, and this new neighbor did not make the list. She is now texting my daughter asking her why she wasn’t invited. I’ve told my daughter that is a text she should not respond to, but I wondered if you had better advice?”
— Via “Miss Manners,” Washington Post, 13 April 2017

Dear Reader,

It’s never too early to teach children the importance of keeping A-, B-, and C-list tiers in which other people are treated as pawns and fillers based on the occasion. Your 11-year-old will only have a few opportunities in her life to establish herself with all the best 11-year-olds, and expressing the bare minimum of politeness to this neighbor child could have serious ramifications. A kindly diplomatic response to an awkward inquiry about a party runs the risk of teaching your daughter about neighborly goodwill and social etiquette; better that she ghosts on this little girl until she’s ready to entertain her company again when the summer social doldrums kick in and she has a few moments of precious free time to toss the poor wretch’s way.

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