Bad Advice On Graduation Shakedowns And Sleeping With Men

By The Bad Advisor

Pixabay
Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
Dear Miss Manners: My daughter is very hurt that no one has sent her recent graduate anything yet. It has been one week, and she did not send out announcements.
Is it proper to put on Facebook how disappointed she is and that her son deserves better? What is the proper timeline for such things?
—Miss Manners, Washington Post, 28 May 2017

Gentle Reader,

How heartbreaking for your daughter that she must endure the passage of entire days without the cash and gifts her friends and family owe her son for completing his studies. No one should spend years toiling in the ivory tower only to emerge with nothing to show for their efforts but the worthless contents of their own brain.

Some will argue that education is its own reward — but surely those people have never been put in the terrible position of having to publicly berate scores of self-obsessed friends and relatives in order to inform them that they are delinquent in their material appreciation of one’s offspring.

No one should spend years toiling in the ivory tower only to emerge with nothing to show for their efforts but the worthless contents of their own brain.

More troubling still: That your daughter’s Facebook friends are so wrapped up in the petty trivialities of their own lives that they require some kind of reminder that your grandson has graduated. Your letter seems to imply that these so-called friends failed to follow every turn of this remarkable sir’s academic career with the care and rapt attention he is owed as a uniquely fascinating and important person who completed a school program, a feat so few before him have achieved. Do they think of nothing but themselves?

It is essential that your daughter issue a screed haranguing her friends and loved ones for their selfish failure to bestow money and gifts upon her son, lest these people fail to compensate this man on the occasion of other key milestones in his life, such as his half-birthday and the anniversary of the first time he used a big-boy potty. The sooner the better — there is some disagreement in the etiquette community about the right time to demand gifts en masse from other people through a social media post, but with every hour that passes, your grandson is at risk of having to apply his learning to the humiliating practice of obtaining gainful employment in order to support himself. People love nothing more than turning out their pockets after being publicly humiliated, and your family will find the community’s response to be very rich indeed.

DEAR ABBY: You often give advice to readers about seeking professional counseling for challenges like the death of a loved one or substance abuse. How successful is it when they have sought counseling, mainly for divorce or other serious relationship issues?
My experience is similar to those I hear about from friends who have gone to counseling with their spouse or significant other. The outcome seems to have been the same as tossing a coin: Heads it worked, tails it didn’t.
After decades of reading your column, and 10 years after trying counseling to save a marriage, I’m still … SKEPTICAL IN TEXAS
—Dear Abby, 11 June 2017

Dear Skeptical in Texas,

What an enlightening and valuable perspective on professional counseling! It’s a shame that so many people continue to find value in the practice despite the fact that you are unsure about whether it works. Sadly, most people’s experiences are unlike yours, and not reflective of the objective truth of reality. Everything that happens in your life is an unassailable statement about whether something on planet earth is correct or effective, and there is only one desirable outcome that results from attending counseling sessions with a significant other, otherwise the therapy is a failure entirely. The world owes you a great debt for your incredible discovery that therapy may or may not work 100 percent of the time for everyone always.

The world owes you a great debt for your incredible discovery that therapy may or may not work 100 percent of the time for everyone always.
Dear E. Jean: How long should I wait to sleep with a man? I don’t want to give it up too soon, but I don’t want him to lose interest.
—Ask E. Jean, Elle, 12 June 2017

Dear Reader,

Engaging in sex with another person will result in one of two outcomes: losing the relationship entirely because of the timing of your sexual interactions, or not. Luckily, what with human nature and in particular human sexuality being wholly predictable and homogenous across space, time and geography, there is a definitive answer to your question that will apply to any situation you might find yourself in. People are wildly similar and men especially are immune to any sociocultural norms that might otherwise cause them to have varying experiences and expectations about sexual behavior. Sexual relationships are purely transactional. Men are all rabidly desirous of sex, an experience which women are obligated to supply in exchange for the human companionship they crave.

Luckily, what with human nature and in particular human sexuality being wholly predictable, there is a definitive answer to your question.

The successful pursuit of these relationships is predicated entirely on adhering to an objective standard of behavior that applies to all humans everywhere, equally, while demanding that the other party or parties infer, based on an elaborate set of coy ploys used specifically to obfuscate the truth, your deepest wishes. The answer you’re looking for is: Tangerine.

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