Bad Advice On Hillary Media Shills

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.

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“Donald Trump has stated on numerous occasions that he believes the presidential election is rigged. I agree with him that the media is biased toward Hillary Clinton. They love to pounce on Trump for every little thing, while crooked Killary literally has been allowed to get away with murder, not to mention exposing our nation to possible harm with her illegal email violations.
She’s the worst candidate for president ever. It’s like they’re trying to give her the election because she’s a woman. Donald Trump is the only person who can save our country.”
-Via “Ask Willie D.,” Houston Press, 27 October 2016

Dear Reader,

You got us.

We the media all want Hillary Clinton to be president solely because she’s a woman and none of us cares that she’s the worst presidential candidate of all time because we, all of us, hate Donald Trump for being the only individual on earth who can save American democracy by saving it all by himself, alone, just like all presidents of all democracies do.

The Bad Advisor is forced, of course, to write this response from the basement of an unmarked parking garage in Eastern Europe, where her pro-Hillary overlords will be less likely to intercept illicit transmissions admitting the secret truth that only Donald Trump and millions of angry racist white dudes who are quoted at length in the press every day know: The media, a single-minded entity homogeneously comprised of politically non-divergent pod people who together agree entirely on the direction America should take in terms of both foreign and domestic policy, is all in on Hillary Clinton.

Tens of thousands of reporters the world over are surreptitiously on the payroll of one lady running for president, plus George Soros. We receive checks weekly in exchange for glowing coverage which we clandestinely slip under the noses of tens of thousands of editors and publishers who have yet to notice that we worship the one true goddess, $hillary, who every day grants us wealth beyond our wildest dreams.

The fact that most of us live in crumbling house-shares and clock 60-hour weeks on a diet of ramen and PBR is an elaborate ruse which you, with this astute assessment, have alone penetrated. It certainly isn’t to the benefit of major news networks, least of all those owned by Australian mega-billionaires who profit off of nothing so much as the constant manufacture of the fear and outrage necessary to fuel the 24-hour-news cycle, to foment elaborate conspiracies that in turn generate the aforementioned incessant fear and outrage as evidence of the aforementioned conspiracies, about which you are entirely correct.

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“I went to the market the other day, and there was a woman sitting on the sidewalk with two children — a boy who looked to be about 6 and a girl about 2. She was holding a sign asking for help ($). I wanted so badly to say something to her about what a poor example she was setting for her children by begging. It made me angry because I imagine she’s using her kids as ‘props’ to evoke sympathy.
This is a nice area. I would think she could better present herself to her kids by looking for a job! What would have been an appropriate comment to make to her that might help put her on the right track to show her kids how to grow up to be responsible people who work for a living?”
-From “LOOKING OUT FOR CHILDREN IN IRVINE, CALIF.” via “Dear Abby,” 2 November 2016

Dear Looking Out for Children,

The world needs more guardian angels like you — people whose sole concern is for the welfare of homeless children, who are in desperate need of someone to take just a few moments to scream at their parents about what horrible people they are. Someone selfless enough to put down their phone, put aside the meaningless minutiae of their day and focus, out of the goodness of their heart, on what really matters: telling someone who’s begging for money with two small children in tow that they’re a real piece of shit.

If you can’t be the change you want to see in the world, you can at least bitch at a total stranger about whose life you know absolutely nothing, but about whose life you are prepared to make the worst possible assumptions. Who among us wouldn’t actively choose to live the high life by depending on the scraps of strangers and wondering where our next meal is coming from, where we will change our children’s diapers, where we will sleep, and whether we will be arrested for our poverty? And in a nice area, no less!

The only thing standing between this woman and looking for a job is a stringent admonishment from some rando about the way she lives her life. Every moment you don’t berate this lady out of nothing but pure concern for the welfare of her children is a moment wasted. Since looking for a job and asking people for money are mutually exclusive — all employers everywhere are available and enthusiastic about interviewing job candidates toting 6-year-olds and 2-year-olds at all hours of the day — you and you alone are capable of giving this mother the public dressing down her precious babies so desperately need.

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“Dear E. Jean: I’m a fairly handsome guy with some apparently serious problems. I’ve always been under the impression that musicians with long hair in loud bands have little trouble meeting women. This is not my case. I’m admittedly shy; but once the ice is broken, I’m an open book. Can it be this hard to find a woman? Someone to enjoy life with? I’m doing something wrong, but I just can’t figure out what. Or is this lonely piano player losing his mind?”
— From “Missing the Key” via “Ask E. Jean,” Elle, 24 October 2016

Dear Missing the Key,

Ah, the fairer sex! What mysteries woman holds, what enigmas she hides behind her furtive, inexplicable psyche! So delicate, so cunning — so immutably reluctant to throw herself into the eternal embrace of basically any dude who has long hair and plays piano. Who can grasp what woman desires? Who can fathom woman’s boundless demands? Who knows what women want?

None. None among us. And none of us, least of all a dude with long hair and a loud band, should have to ask.

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Lead image: adapted from flickr/Gage Skidmore

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