Bad Advice On Ogling Young Women And Thwarting Abortions

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“My wife and I love the beach. We walk on the beach, kayak, picnic and in the summer we swim.
When it’s hot and the beach is crowded, my wife invariably asks me, ‘Are you checking out that girl in the bikini?’
I always say, ‘No,’ which is a lie she sees right through. An argument ensues, dampening our otherwise beautiful day.
I am in my 50s. I have no delusions of long-term futures with young girls (or anyone else) on the beach, but I love to look at attractive females. I try, apparently unsuccessfully, to be discreet, but my natural instinct is to stand and applaud. I know I sound like a dirty old man, but I doubt I am alone.
So, how can I be honest and not hurt my wife? And can we still go to the beach?”
— From “Lying on the Beach” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 25 April 2017

Dear Lying on the Beach,

Let’s get the most important question out of the way first: Yes, you can still go to the beach! It is not illegal for men who are so inept at keeping their eyeballs in their sockets that people are literally embarrassed to be seen in public with them to go to the beach. Victory is yours! It is literally possible for you to go to the beach, an activity that you must maintain at all costs lest your cool, interesting boner, which everyone cares deeply about, suffer even a millisecond’s loss of gratification.

Next is the more minor worry, concerning the quality of your marital relationship and how you can keep being a total slimeball on purpose without having to hear boo about it from anyone, ever. After all, you are an old man, and because there are a lot of old men on earth, you must never be asked to treat others with the bare minimum of decency expected from people old enough to leave the house of their own volition. It’s natural! You can’t simply stop engaging in hurtful and unpleasant behavior that is no way essential to any part of your life; instead, you should hold out for just the right combination of words that will allow you to keep doing the thing you want to do without experiencing any negative consequences for it. Until you find those words, it’s fine to openly ogle women — after all, it gives you a hard-on, and nothing on earth, least of all your marriage, is more important than your unchecked ability to stare with open sexual desire at strangers in public.

It’s fine to openly ogle women — after all, it gives you a hard-on.

Some behaviors, such as checking out young women in bikinis, are natural and uncontrollable, and some behaviors, such as being mortified to be associated with someone who self-identifies as a “dirty old man,” are unnatural and entirely fixable. Don’t let your wife dry your drool! Since you admittedly have no delusions about having a long-term future with anyone at the beach, feel free to keep going there with her.

“I would rather [have] an Adonis over a caring, considerate and passionate man any day. That’s why I prefer married men. Married men know their place and don’t overstay their welcome. When you’re done sexing them, they go home. You don’t have to worry about them hanging around or trying to tell you how to live your life.
Single guys expect too much. I don’t want to be responsible for anybody but me. Why don’t more women feel this way?”
— Via “Ask Willie D.,” Houston Press, 30 March 2017

Dear Reader,

Perhaps because many women — a monolithic, ignorant homogenous group to which you are the vastly superior exception — are already sexing married men. I believe they call them “husbands.”

“My new bride discovered that she’s pregnant. She says that we’re not ready for a baby and has scheduled an abortion. I want to have the baby, but I know that it is ultimately her choice, at least under current law. I haven’t been able to change her mind, but I suspect that someone else could. However, she has forbidden me to tell anyone about her pregnancy. On the day of the appointment, I’m thinking of driving her to a pro-life pregnancy center instead of the abortion clinic. She might not realize it until we’re inside, and then maybe the staff could change her mind. Would that be OK to do? I know you are pro-choice, but I’m only trying to make my wife think this through.”
— From “Don’t Want Wife To Abort” via “Dear Prudence,” Slate, 1 May 2017

Dear Don’t Want My Wife To Abort,

Your wife’s reluctance to tumble headlong into undesired and unplanned parenthood before she’s ready at the insistence of a husband willing to lie directly to her face about her health care shows her to be an exceedingly short-sighted woman. She needs to think very carefully about refusing to spend a lifetime in a parenting entanglement with you, a thoughtful and reasonable man who, but for the dumb bad law that says pregnant people cannot be compelled by the government or anyone else to bear children against their will, would force a woman who doesn’t want to be pregnant to bear your child against her will.

But women who will not enter willingly into pregnancy must be coerced into it, because motherhood is a wonderful, magical gift that they better fucking enjoy whether they like it or not. Every child deserves a mom who welcomes parenting with glee, but in your case, a mom who was cajoled into risking her life to do a thing she super does not want to do will suffice, since children are a beautiful blessing to which some people have to be deceived into grudgingly acquiescing at great personal risk.

Women who will not enter willingly into pregnancy must be coerced into it.

The fact that your wife isn’t currently anxious to become the vessel that instantly fills your empty dad hole is but a minor wrinkle in the fabric of your relationship, one that can be breezily ignored in favor of building a family on a mountain of lies. Probably your wife won’t notice when you attempt to deliver her to a building other than the one at which she has scheduled her own abortion appointment and at which she will be expressly unable to obtain the service she needs. Women are pretty stupid and fickle, so she’ll probably welcome the opportunity to have her most personal life choices questioned by a load of strangers before she cheerily changes her mind about fulfilling your fatherhood fantasies. Engaging religious zealots in pressuring your wife to sacrifice a lifetime of bodily autonomy for your immediate gratification will give her all the motivation she needs to make her decision.

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