Bad Advice On Reprimanding Your Slutty-Looking Adult Daughter

By The Bad Advisor

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“My 35-year-old daughter makes sexy clothing choices that result in her looking trashy. She’s unmarried and wonders why. What can I say that will help her wake up?”
— Via Carolyn Hax, Washington Post, 27 October 2017

It’s strange that your daughter has not noticed that literally every woman on earth who is not married is single, as she is, because of their universally slutty clothing choices, but it may be possible to reach her in time for her to put on a pair of sweatpants and a parka and attract the man of her dreams. You’ll have to do this carefully — you don’t want to imply that your daughter has inherent value as a human being outside of what she wears and whether she’s married. But your timing couldn’t be better. Many big-box stores are likely putting their Halloween costumes on sale this week, which means you’ll be able to score a Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man suit at a reduced price. Throw that sucker under the Christmas tree, and come the holidays, your daughter will have a fabulous new look that will draw the attention of many. If she doesn’t have an offer by Easter, try switching her to a bunny suit.

“I’m in my 60s, fit, sexually able and I desire physical relations. My wife, because of health issues, is no longer interested in sex. In fact, it would be at least mildly painful to her.
I recently met a lady my age who is in the same predicament. She has a sexual appetite; her husband does not. She hinted she would be interested in being ‘friends with benefits.’ I didn’t pursue the hint because it caught me by surprise and I wasn’t quick-witted enough to follow up on it at the time.
I am wondering if such a relationship is acceptable with today’s mores and the circumstances. No, I won’t discuss this with my wife. It would only hurt her feelings and strain our relationship. Should I pursue the hint?”
—From “FOLLOW UP ON THE HINT” via “Dear Abby,” 25 October 2017

Dear Follow Up,

It is so kind of you to prioritize your wife’s feelings during this difficult time of deciding whether to screw around on her — for her own good! What a thoughtful, empathetic partner you are to consider dipping your bits in another woman in order to spare your wife from unthinkable heartache. You, friend, are one of the good ones.

Too many people build marriages on mutual respect and understanding, and offer their husbands and wives opportunities to make empowered decisions about the circumstances of their partnership. This only causes more trouble, of course, for the kind-hearted spouses such as yourself, who are just trying to do a bunch of boning without having to treat their partner like a whole human being who has the right to decide if they want to stay in a relationship wherein the terms have been unilaterally changed without their knowledge or say-so. Go ahead and take the hint with this other lady! Your wife of many decades is unlikely to notice the personality and schedule changes necessary to facilitate your regular acts of selfless adultery, and even if she does — so what? Then you’ll just kindly explain to her that women who find sex painful lose their right to enjoy mutually monogamous relationships with the full and knowing consent of both parties, pat her on the head, and remind her that you’ll be a little later for dinner tonight due to all the big sex you’ll be having with your mistress. You certainly won’t find your relationship “strained” at that point — it will be something else entirely.

“I’m 33 and have dated half of New York City, and I’m tired of it! Finally I’ve met someone I really like. He’s a smart, funny, cute guy. He’s passionate in bed, but totally vanilla. I, on the other hand, have a kinky streak and don’t know if I can maintain interest in a guy who’s never even tried things that I consider part of a modern sexual repertoire.
Please don’t tell me I must introduce him to new positions or bring toys into it. He’s in his late thirties and should know by now, right? Should I give him the boot because he lacks a dirty mind?”
—From “Fly by Night” via “Ask E. Jean,” 25 October 2017

Dear Fly by Night,

A guy who hasn’t experienced the specific combination of sexual positions and toys that interest and titillate you is objectively worthless, and no one should ever be asked to communicate clearly with the people they fuck in order to ensure enthusiastic consent. Better to just hope for the best and cross your fingers that someone doesn’t get sexually assaulted.

After all, any partner who does not instinctively know exactly what you want at the exact moment you want it is no partner at all! Good sexual relationships should mirror some combination of Twilight, Fifty Shades of Gray, and whatever copy you can still read after you un-stick the pages of your old roommate’s Penthouse collection. Real connections between partners only happen through mind-reading, and if this guy can’t predict the precise type of pleasure you wish to experience at the exact moment you wish to experience it in the exact position and location you want to experience it, he’s not the man for you! There’s nothing more unenlightened than talking about your sexual needs and desires with a partner who is excited about exploring a fulfilling, consensual relationship wherein the parameters of your involvement will be clear and hot to all involved. Find a man who’s as sexually progressive as you are so you can finally enjoy whatever happens after you stick a couple of colanders on your heads and connect them with kitchen twine.

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