Bad Advice On Sex With Racists

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Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“27m recently started sleeping with a 29f. Sex is brilliant among best i’ve ever had but hit a very weird snag lately. Have discovered that she’s actually quite obviously racist.
We’re both white but she’s apparently really into the whole ‘white pride’ thing. Was quite shocked as shes well educated, pretty and otherwise comes across as very sweet and totally normal. She’s quite good at intellectualizing it and i’m obviously not on the receiving end of her prejudices, but still really odd.
Has anyone else ever dealt with similar and found the beliefs/politics of a sexual partner so off putting it ruined an otherwise great physical relationship?
Maybe it’s melodramatic but it sort of feels like by continuing to sleep with her now i know about this I’m on some level condoning her attitudes.
Also guess it has me questioning where that line in the sand really is. If a gf told me she’d actually only dated white guys in the past I wouldn’t necessarily be offended or judge her in any way. But being told she wouldn’t date other kinds of guys because it’s ‘wrong’ seems like it should be a deal breaker.”
-From Reddit, r/sex, 28 October 2016

Dear White Knight,

You should definitely keep fucking this huge racist! You’re white, she’s white, and racism is other people’s problem to deal with. If people of color want to end racism, since they’re the only ones it affects and it has nothing to do with you or the millions of other white people on earth who need take no responsibility whatsoever for the continuing scourge of racialized oppression across the globe, they should give it a try! Maybe they can talk to your hot girlfriend about how mean and racist she is while you’re not boning her — that is, if y’all ever get out of bed!

But the Bad Advisor can see why you’re conflicted: There are only three and a half billion or so women on earth, so that really narrows down your prospects when it comes to finding a compatible sexual partner. Something’s gotta give somewhere, and in this case, you’re just going to have to compromise a tiny bit on the whole unchecked bigotry thing. You feel sort of bad about it, so that makes up for any minor consequences of her believing that white people are racially superior to all other humans on earth, such as you feeling a little awkward as you drift off to glorious, post-splooge sleep.

Sure, it’s a bummer that this woman actively subscribes to a socio-political philosophy that conveniently elevates her own idealized identity at the expense of entire swaths of humanity who are demeaned and marginalized, oftentimes to the point of death, in the service of plain hatred, but the alternative is what? Not having a sexual relationship with her? Come on, man! Literally.

“What should a person do when their children and grandchildren don’t like to talk on the phone, and text you only?”
-From “LONELY GRANDMA IN L.A.” via “Dear Abby,” 29 October 2016

Dear Lonely Grandma in L.A.,

Hope that a person’s children and grandchildren develop mind-reading abilities and in the meantime just sit and stew silently in an ever-growing pool of unresolved anger and resentment until the end of time instead of communicating via text message, probably.

“Many of us who use drive-throughs regularly are often on our way to work. Unfortunately, we often end up behind someone who has placed an order for at least a dozen people. This situation tends to defeat the purpose of the drive-through and renders the term ‘fast food’ an oxymoron.
People who need to feed a whole lot of people and don’t have time to cook should go to a supermarket delicatessen. They will probably save money that way, and the rest of us will save time. Please help me get my message out to the public.”
-Via “Miss Manners,” Washington Post, 20 October 2016

Gentle Reader,

It is the height of uncouthness to stand between a hungry, harried driver and their Nachos Bell Grande. “Fast food” is so named for a reason, and anyone who slows the swift delivery of a double-bacon ‘chee (no time to type it out, you see!) is violating the most fundamental sacrament of the drive-thru: speed, against all odds! That’s why your suggestion is so brilliant.

By limiting orders made for multiple people placed from a single vehicle, fast-food restaurants can serve others much, much faster. All it will take is to verify how many people a particular driver is ordering for, and to confirm that number with the intended eaters. If those eaters aren’t available, a third party can stand in (perhaps a local notary could be tracked down in short order; often they are as close as the local county courthouse!) to verify whether a driver is ordering six junior hamburgers for six people, or six junior hamburgers for three people; or seven small french fries for seven people or seven small french fries for three and a half people. You get the idea.

Easy as pie! That’s one pie, of course, for one person, not one pie for several people, which is too many people for whom one person should ever order a pie at a drive-thru window.

Instead, these thoughtless drivers — believing, rudely, that they can just go ahead and order an amount of food deemed unacceptable by a stranger from an advice column as if that’s not an unconscionable stain on their moral character — can, as you say, be smoothly diverted to the nearest deli. That will merely require a quick discussion wherein a drive-thru operator informs the driver that they’ve ordered too many items, news that the driver will receive with good cheer and aplomb. Then, the drive-thru operator will explain that the driver needs to proceed instead to the local supermarket, giving directions through the loudspeaker, which will be easily understood the first time and acknowledged immediately by the driver with many mouths to feed and all the time in the world. The driver will then proceed without delay to the local supermarket, happy to change the entirety of their menu and schedule without objection.

It is a plan without flaw, and you, gentle reader, are to be commended for it.

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