Bad Advice On Teenage Hormones And Extramarital Sex

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“A couple we know, who have a 14-year-old daughter and a 5-year-old son, just welcomed an 18-year-old boy (whom they have known for years), into their home to live.
He has been thrown out of his parents’ home, but I don’t know why. The 18-year-old has a job and helps them with the bills. He doesn’t have a car.
I see a potential train wreck in the offing.
To allow two unrelated teenagers to live in the same house seems to deliver an open invitation to a real problem, should their hormones become inflamed.
Please offer your advice and feedback, in hopes that they read your column.”
— From “Worried” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 7 March 2017:

Dear Worried,

What kind of monster gives a homeless teen a safe place to live? Hopefully, the kind of monster who takes advice from anonymous screeds in the lifestyle section of a newspaper! The worst thing that can ever happen to any teenager is for that teenager to develop an attraction to another teenager; this unthinkable tragedy must be stopped at all costs.

Sure, it isn’t ideal for a teen with few resources and no family to be booted on to the streets willy-nilly by adult after adult, but think of literally the only other possible alternative: Teen sex! Teens never have sex unless they live in the same house with another teen they are trying to do sex on; they are otherwise notoriously bad at finding cars, tents, closets, dressing areas, abandoned and under-construction homes, empty classrooms, parks, church camp cabins, beaches, darkrooms, forests, pools, recreational vehicles and basements in which to explore each others’ pants-parts.

What kind of monster gives a homeless teen a safe place to live?

All teens are heterosexual, and all teens want nothing more than they want to do sex on all other teens. This is, of course, undesirable, due to the fact that teen sex is bad, for reasons that include its badness, and also its undesirability. Teens should not experience sexual feelings, or be in any way encouraged to experience the natural progression of the adolescent aging process without the accompanying abject shame and punishment that is necessary to make sure that they don’t do gross, foul, bad, filthy, disgusting sex until they do it on their beautiful honeymoon with the love of their life.

“First, the behavior coming from my daughter is not her. It’s as though someone has taken her away.
My daughter started a new job end of November. She has always had a strong working ethic and went to college for human resources. We just recently found out she had been partying with girls from work and they have been encouraged her in having an affair. Well, her husband found out she is having an affair and all of us have been losing sleep and are emotionally stressed. He (husband) did talk to her and they had a plan to work it out.
The following day she had lunch with these girls and since has changed her mind and is staying with this guy and his roommate. Last night I found out the guy she is having the affair with is also on a dating site.
My daughter has been with her husband for seven years and he is devastated and wants to work on the marriage. I would like to contact the company and let them know what’s going on and also ask if they have a fraternization policy. What are your recommendations?”
— From “Ask A Manager,” 15 March 2017

There’s a lot to untangle here, and literally all of it is definitely and without question your business and your problem to solve. A parent has no responsibility greater than the responsibility of keeping their adult child’s sex life and marriage in good working order. It’s just one of those things kids never quite learn to do on their own — change a tire, perfect mom’s meatloaf, maintain a satisfactory sexual and romantic relationship with their spouse.

Which would make your current obligation to insert yourself into every dramatic twist and turn of your daughter’s marital troubles hard enough, but now you’ve got to coordinate your own management of your daughter’s sex life with your daughter’s employer’s management of her sex life. And look, anyone will tell you that it is always hard to know when it’s the right time to tell your daughter’s boss the full details of her sex life without her consent. But your case is even more complicated: Not only does your daughter’s company absolutely need to hear third-hand who their employee is currently fucking (and fucking over!), but it must also be made aware that it is staffed by a coven of witches who have the power to fully manipulate the sexual desires of others to the extent that they have been able to wholly dismantle your daughter’s free-will decision-making ability and replace it with a slutty slut zombie brain.

Anyone will tell you that it is always hard to know when it’s the right time to tell your daughter’s boss the full details of her sex life without her consent.

There’s no easy way to tell a total stranger, “Hey, your employee, who by the way was the top scorer in her under-sixes soccer league, is having extramarital sex at the insistence of a local cabal of mind-manipulating sorceresses — who also work for you!” Awkward!

But you must persist, lest this nest of enchantresses turn their powers on the rest of the office, transforming the company’s fraternization policy into a mandatory fraternization policy, if you get my drift. And while you’re at it, you may as well ask them for your quarterly update on your daughter’s break room vegetable consumption.

“Hi Carolyn, this is about my daughter-in-law. She’s always been quiet and polite and acts like she needs a lot of alone time. I assumed she was introverted or shy and didn’t hold it against her. A few weeks ago, I met a classmate of hers and that person described her as talkative and outgoing with an active social life. Ever since then, I’ve felt resentful of how standoffish she is with me and my husband.
I told her that I’d met her friend and her friend had described her as very talkative, and she said politely and emotionlessly, ‘yes, they’re a fun group.’ My husband said she’s two-faced and not worth the trouble but I want her to open up to me. I know I shouldn’t feel so angry, but I feel like she pretended to be shy to avoid me. Is there any way I can tell her that I want her to feel free to talk to me like she would a friend?”
— From “Carolyn Hax,” Washington Post, 24 March 2017

You’ve answered your own question, dear writer! Simply and lovingly tell her: “Feel free to talk to me like you would a friend — one who constantly assumes the worst about you, talks shit about you behind your back, and believes you have created an elaborate secondary personality out of sheer spite!” That way, you can go forward knowing that it definitely won’t be shyness that is keeping her at a distance.

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