Bad Advice On Toilet Etiquette And Lesbian Witch Cabals

Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“My oldest daughter is in college, and she’s always been a great kid: quiet, respectful, great grades, never gets in trouble. Her father and I told her that we’ll pay her tuition as long as she attends church weekly, and she agreed after offering a little more resistance than we’re used to with her. She’s sent us links to the websites for the churches she’s trying out, and I’ve noticed a running theme: They’re all ‘open and affirming’ to the LGBTQ community. She also shuts down whenever I bring up boyfriends or boys in general (and she’s never dated a boy, as far as I know), and seems bothered by anti-gay comments and sermons she hears. I’m worried that she might be gay and doesn’t feel comfortable telling us because of some comments her father has made in the past. I accept that I’m to blame too, because I never spoke up when her father said something derogatory, but it’s never something I’ve had to worry about. I’m not sure what to do. We’re already at odds over the election, but I still love her even if she is gay. The thing is, I really don’t want her to be. How can I be supportive of this?”
— From “Daughter Might Be Gay” via “Dear Prudence,” Slate, 26 January 2017

Dear Daughter Might Be Gay,

You have a tough road ahead: being supportive of a college-age lesbian daughter comes with all kinds of challenges, such as scraping together the mandatory dues for her admission into the lesbian witch cabal, helping her find a suitable number of children for the lunar blood sacrifice, and possibly meeting a second lesbian, or even more than one.

The good news, of course, is that you don’t know for sure that your daughter is gay, the worst thing ever. You only know at this point that she seems to have a silly objection to being coerced into compliance with organized religion. This is remarkably short-sighted on her part; what kind of future will she have if she receives a college education but deviates from her parents’ religious demands? Everyone who goes to church every week is a good, successful person, and if your daughter must lose something as fleeting as an education over it, that’s on her stubborn head.

Being supportive of a college-age lesbian daughter comes with all kinds of challenges, such as scraping together the mandatory dues for her admission into the lesbian witch cabal.

If you can’t have a fully compliant adult child over whom you can lord the possibility of losing their college degree, what’s the point of parenthood? To love someone unquestioningly, unreservedly, and unconditionally with the hope that they become a generous and respectful member of society? Pish-posh. Your daughter is foisting upon you the cruel possibility of having to care about gay people to the extent that you may have to do or say something in support of them (or at least one of them), something only relatives of gay people have to do (and which gay people always tend to conveniently forget about before they go being selfish and gay all over the place).

Continue to demand obedience from this young adult — it is a sure-fire way to avoid discovering she is gay, or really anything else about her.

“While it’s important not to waste resources, what is the proper thing to do when one flush doesn’t remove all of the waste?
It seems to be wasteful to continue flushing just to be sure all is gone before the next user needs to use the facilities, but also not nice to leave anything behind.”
— From “Gentle Reader” via “Miss Manners,” Washington Post, 19 January 2017

Defer to the old saying: A turd in the can is worth two in the flush.

“I have been dating this girl, ‘Laura,’ for about two months. Things are going extremely well. She’s kind, funny, intelligent — all the things I look for in a woman. But we’ve been on many, many dates, and she’s only offered to pay once. I am happy to pay, and I want to — she’s a special girl, so I feel fortunate to have the pleasure of her company, and I really do care for her — but I’m in law school right now, and my well doesn’t run that deep.
I’ve tried to drop hints here and there — suggesting we go to a more casual restaurant instead of the one with the tablecloth, hit the matinee rather than the movie at the Saturday date-night hour, etc. — and she’s always down for the change of plans, but she doesn’t seem to get it. I don’t know whether she’s just that clueless or she actually has that expectation (and will continue to have it for as long as we’re together). There’s also a twinge of feeling as if she’s ungrateful for what I do, which I don’t want to grow. What’s the best way to proceed?”
—From “I Ain’t No Mr. Moneybags” via Dear Annie, 20 January 2017

Dear I Ain’t No Mr. Moneybags,

I’m afraid that the only thing to do here is to unceremoniously dump this grubby gal, because the only other alternative you have is to have a frank conversation about finances, how you both view gender roles, and what you’re looking for out of a dating relationship. Since that’s impossible, it’s time to cut your losses and start looking for a woman who can read minds. Great relationships are built on never having to talk about your needs or values.

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