Bad Advice On Women Who’d Rather Sleep With George Clooney Than You

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Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“My boss and his wife have been my friends for 25 years. I invited them to my daughter’s wedding. His daughter is being married in three weeks and I have not yet received an invitation. I’m wondering why. Any thoughts?”
— From “WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA” via “Dear Abby,” 4 February 2017

Dear Wondering in California,

Boy howdy have you come to the right place! Definitely the best person to parse for you the personal and private motivations of someone else’s wedding guest list is a newspaper advice columnist. Weddings, despite their place as happy celebrations of romantic unions, can create so much awkwardness and unease between friends and family members, who remain so only to the extent that they never discuss anything that matters to them, ever. Luckily, total strangers who know nothing of the circumstances and no one involved are available to parse the motivations of people with whom you have been friends for 25 years but to whom you cannot be asked to pose the most basic of questions.

You should build a long-lasting grudge which you should take to your grave.

Probably what happened here is that your boss’ daughter failed to realize the extent to which you are the most important person who ever lived, the very sun around whom everyone in your social universe orbits. It is unlikely that you were not invited to this event for any other reason whatsoever. You should be very upset about it and build a long-lasting grudge which you should take to your grave, never advocating for yourself or your feelings, just dying and knowing that you didn’t go to that wedding that one time.

“I’m retired and have the time to sew and quilt projects, which I give as gifts. I presented a ‘Quilt of Valor’ to my father to honor his military service. I also gave a sibling one of my personalized projects as a birthday gift.
When we visited their home recently, I was horrified to see one of their dogs sleeping on one of the pillows I had made for them. When the dog woke up, it proceeded to scratch itself and then drag the hair-covered pillow through the house. I have been asked to make a quilt for a disabled child living at home who also has a dog that sleeps on her bed.
I no longer want to invest my time and energy after what happened to my gift. I feel unappreciated. Would it be wrong to refuse the request and say something about ‘gift abuse’?
—From “SEW PERPLEXED IN THE NORTHWEST” via “Dear Abby,” 5 January 2017

Dear Sew Perplexed,

This appalling treatment of your be-quilted creativity violates the first rule of gift-giving: Every gift must be used specifically on the terms of the gift giver, and if it is not, the recipient is abusing the gift and they are bad and rude and ungrateful. The point of giving gifts is to carefully track their use and to interpret every deviation from your intended purpose as a personal insult.

The point of giving gifts is to carefully track their use.

Your wholly righteous grievance is of course made worse by the fact that local dogs seem to enjoy your handiwork. If there is a greater insult on earth than the love of a dog, the Bad Advisor shudders to imagine it. You are well within your right to withhold all future gifts from disabled children and their families, and to make it known why: Somebody once let their dog touch a pillow you made.

“When two people meet and the guy wants to have sex, why is it that many women say, ‘I am not that kind of girl, and I need to get to know you better’?
That is actually a big lie that women tell. After all, if the guy who wanted to have sex with them was George Clooney, it’s unthinkable that they would say to him, ‘I’m not that kind of girl.’
Every woman is ‘that kind of girl’ with a select few men under the right circumstances. When women say this, what they actually mean is, ‘I am not that kind of girl with you.’
Why can’t they just say the following: ‘I have enjoyed our evening, and, although I appreciate your sexual attraction toward me, I do not feel the same way; however, I wish you well in your future endeavors.’
What is wrong with saying something as honest and as heartfelt as that?
I call women on this all the time on dates, and they are speechless, because they know I have caught them in a lie. Suffice to say, I have no interest in a second date, and I move on.
I find this line of thinking disingenuous. Any thoughts?”
— From “Sam from Los Angeles” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 30 January 2017

Dear Sam,

One is almost reluctant to print this letter, as the bead you have drawn upon the whole of womanity is so sharp as to risk exposing the unified sex-withholding tactics of some 3.5 billion people, all of whom rudely chose to sleep with George Clooney instead of you, a man who delights in telling his dates that they are liars, a behavior that has no impact whatsoever on their decision to sleep with George Clooney instead of you, a guy they are only not sleeping with because you totally do not want to sleep with them, the lying liars.

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