Bedtime Stories, As Told By Donald Trump

modified from whitehouse.gov
The haters and losers say the little pig was doing housing discrimination, but he’s the least racist pig you ever met, believe me.

The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were three pigs. Little Marco says they’re small, but let me tell you, there’s no problem. So these pigs, their father gives them a small loan of a million dollars, and sends them off to build great big towers.

The first pig, he builds apartments. He hired the best contractors, and put it in the best part of the swamp. And we’re going to drain the swamp, people. We’re draining the swamp now. We’re doing a phenomenal job.

So the first pig, he gets sued because the haters and losers say he was doing housing discrimination, but he’s the least racist pig you ever met, believe me. And he paid a settlement because he had so much money it didn’t even matter. He had billions and billions of dollars, and he was very rich and made all his money himself.

The second pig built a hotel. It was a gorgeous hotel, the best you ever saw. He had to tear down a landmark building and the liberal media were whining, “It’s a landmark, you can’t tear it down!” But the second pig knew he would make so much money with a fancy hotel so he built it anyway and everybody loved it. It was filled with gold columns, and gold furniture, and had a restaurant where you could get the best taco bowls in the world.

The haters and losers say the little pig was doing housing discrimination, but he’s the least racist pig you ever met, believe me.

The third pig was smart, so smart, if it took an IQ test with Rex Tillerson there would be no contest who was smarter, everyone knows it’s the third pig. So the third pig builds a beautiful, beautiful casino. It has golf, and fine dining, and there were beauty pageants there, but the pig never touched any ladies even though when you’re a famous pig they let you do it.

And everybody loved all the pigs, and they weren’t small, they were bigly pigs.

So one day, this big bad wolf comes up to the first pig’s house and says, “Little Pig, Little Pig, let me in!” Such a nasty wolf. And the pig was being treated very unfairly. That nasty wolf, she huffs and she puffs, and she blows away all the money from the building, and the first pig has to file for bankruptcy and run away. Can you believe that mean, mean wolf? I mean, that pig had lots of businesses and if one of them goes bankrupt, oh well, it’s still a very, very successful pig. But that nasty wolf followed the first pig all the way to the second pig’s hotel.

The big bad wolf knocks on the hotel door and says, “Little pig, little pig, let me in!” And the second pig said to the people in the hotel, “Beat up that wolf and I’ll pay your legal fees!” But the wolf didn’t go away! She huffed and puffed, and blew all the money away, and the second pig had to file for bankruptcy too. Sad!

So the first pig and the second pig run to the third pig’s casino and tell the third pig there’s a big, bad, nasty wolf. But the third pig isn’t worried. He says, “We’re going to build a wall, and the wolf will pay for it!” And the other pigs, they’re safe in their casino because they don’t have black guys watching the books, they have short guys in yarmulkes keeping the money safe from wolves.

So the wolf tries to blow away the money, but she can’t! Then the wolf tried throwing bags of drugs over the wall to hit the pigs in the head, but it didn’t work because the walls are too high, it’s a terrific wall! And the wolf tried indicting the pigs’ friends, saying they’re colluding with Russia, but there’s no collusion, folks, and those pigs didn’t even know low-level volunteer Papadopoulos.

You can’t control who volunteers, and everyone wants to volunteer for the third pig because everyone loves him. And the FBI looked into that nasty wolf for colluding with the DNC, and they locked her up, and the pig got to run the casino and be president forever, and he did a great job in Poooo-erto Rico.

The end.

The Little Mermaid

Once upon a time, there was a little mermaid. She was okay looking, maybe a seven. A mermaid who’s flat chested, it’s hard to be a 10. But she was okay. One day the mermaid saw a beautiful, beautiful yacht.

It was like the Trump Princess, a real big, gorgeous yacht. It was the most beautiful yacht you ever saw, believe me. You know what yachts are, right? It’s this thing called boats.

On the yacht was this prince. He was handsome, just tremendously handsome, and he was so smart. Everybody said how smart he was. It was his yacht. He had a fleet of yachts. So many yachts, but this was the best one.

And this little mermaid, she saw the handsome prince on the Trump Princess, and she fell bigly in love.

Then the yacht sinks! Somebody sank that yacht. I don’t know who sank it, maybe it was the Russians, maybe China, but they’re destroying our yachts, folks, and if Putin says he didn’t sink the yacht I believe him. Maybe it was Donna Brazile.

The mermaid sees the prince fall in the water, and she swims him back to shore. The mermaid, she wants to stay on the land with the prince, but the border control is so strong now, folks, we’ve made the border so strong, no mermaids can get in without extreme vetting.

So the mermaid, she goes to the sea witch, and the sea witch is so rude. She calls the prince old, even though the prince never called the sea witch short or fat.

The sea witch tells the little mermaid, “I can make you human, but you have to give me your voice.” And the mermaid, she doesn’t need her voice to get the prince to fall in love with her, she’s a pretty hot piece of ass, at least a seven. So she gives the sea witch her voice, and she gets her legs, and she swims to shore to find the prince. But she doesn’t know how to walk! And she crawls off the beach. That’s a pretty picture, her falling to her knees.

So the little mermaid, she finds the prince, and he’s thinks, oh my gosh, she’s beautiful! And best of all, she can’t talk! Can you imagine? No whining, no complaining. She can’t tell the failing New York Times about his tax returns or say she’s the real First Lady. It’s just wonderful. And he’s automatically attracted to beautiful, so the prince kisses her. He doesn’t ask, he just kisses, but when he kisses her, she gets her voice back! What a bait and switch, folks. Somebody needs to make her stop interrupting him when he talks, it’s very unladylike and unattractive.

So the prince, he’s so smart. He goes to the sea witch, and he renegotiates the deal. He tells her, if she gives the little mermaid breast implants, she can have the mermaid’s voice back again. Not cheap implants that look fake—good ones. He’s so good at making deals. He has the best brain.

And the sea witch, she makes the deal, and she takes the mermaid’s voice, and now that mermaid is a perfect 10. Like Melania before the baby. And that mermaid, she didn’t need to talk, because the prince was so good at talking, she was happy he did the talking. He knew so many words, he had the best words, she loved all his words. And even if Vanity Fair was so dishonest and didn’t think she was one of the best dressed people in the world, everyone knew she was so beautiful and they respected the prince so much, they never made fun of him on the late night talk shows.

Then the prince and the mermaid lived happily ever after, and the sea witch got caught by ICE for sneaking illegal mermaids into the country, and they locked her up.

I love that story, don’t you just love that story?

The end.

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