California Enacts Strict Bird Control Laws
By Jillian Richardson
Eighteen months ago, California governor Jerry Brown signed a law that would give women access to birth control without a prescription. Yet somehow, almost six thousand nine hundred pharmacies in California are still not giving women their contraception without a doctor’s note.
Some experts argue that this lack of access to birth control is due to poor pharmacist training, or miscommunication between the government and drug stores.
But that’s not the case. In reality, Jerry just made a mistake. His eyesight isn’t what it used to be . . . and he missed a small — but imperative — typo. For now, Californian women only have access to BIRD control; you’d be surprised what two consonants can do.
Sure, female-identifying women in the Golden State might be angry that they still have to trek to their doctor’s office for a BC prescription despite legislation stating otherwise. But let’s not be so droopy about this, alright?
Look on the bright side! In the wake of this egregious oversight, there are a bunch of fun methods of bird control sure to offset your chagrin.
Hormonal Bird Control Pills
Do you have an angry canary who just keeps smashing into your windows? Bam! He should be dead. Bam! Feathers everywhere. Bam! Small sounds of small bones cracking. Bam! Nope, he’s still alive! You need to see the life drain from this bird’s tiny, demon eyes. But how?
Simple! Just crush up your Monday through Thursday pills, and mix the powder with your bird feed. Sit back and wait for your yard to be littered with avian corpses. Sure, you might be in agonizing pain from your period cramps sans your bird control, but at least you can put another living thing through some pain as well! The Germans ain’t the only ones who love them some schadenfreude.
Bird Control Sponge
Simply dunk your bird control sponge in water, get it nice and heavy, and throw. As long as your motor skills aren’t too off from your raging hormones, you should have a nice wet, dead bird on your hands! The feeling is almost as good as unprotected sex.
Bird Control Ring
This one is for the ladies who enjoy the thrill of a long con. First, for a few months, you’ll need to convince the bird that you’re its friend. Have some deep conversations. Watch some Orphan Black. Take care of their nest while they’re on vacation. Once you’ve earned its trust, start training the bird to jump through a tiny, plastic ring.
After a year has passed, ask your bird to do its standard trick. Then, set the ring on fire and watch the bird, who is desperate to please you, die — pretty slowly — in the blaze.
Bonus: No one will notice your acne when your face is smudged in smoldering bird carcass!
This one gets close to being birth control. But don’t worry, this is still for wasting winged creatures — as long as you have strong kegel muscles. Simply insert a dagger into your vagina, leaving a few inches exposed. Proceed to dance through a forest — pants-less — while whistling like Snow White. Birds will flock to your vajeen. At this point, do a strong pelvic thrust and impale that bird onto a pine tree. Sexy! (But no risk of pregnancy!)
Bird Control Patch
Take off your clothes and cover your body with stickers of really sexy birds. You know the type. Next, walk fully nude, into a pet store. Those birds are horny AF. They will try and bust out of their cages, but will inevitably beat themselves to death against the slender metal bars. Who needs birth control to regulate your hormones when you have mass bird murder?