Congratulations On Your Acceptance To Goop Academy Of Witchcraft & Wizardry

Melanie LaForce
Mar 30, 2018 · 3 min read
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The selection committee was particularly impressed with your kale porridge detox recipe.

Ms. Eunice Henderson-Smythe
The Tiniest Brownstone in Park Slope
USA

Goop Academy of Witchcraft & Wizardry is passionately committed to educating witches and wizards in the dedicated art of clean beauty charms, edible enchantments, and miscellaneous wellness voodoo. All hail Goop.

Dear Ms. Henderson-Smythe,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Goop Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Only students with the highest qualifications are admitted each year. The selection committee was particularly impressed with your kale porridge detox recipe, as well as your January 2018 blog post, “Ayurvedic Meditations for Cathartic Tooth Whitening.”

All students are expected to conform to dress code. As such, you will be required at all times to wear a taupe-toned mulberry silk cape which may be purchased at Madame Mildington’s Capes For All Occasions. (Or Barney’s.) Please note that ponchos and dupioni silk are no longer accepted alternatives.

All first-year students must procure several general compulsory texts:

  • The Standard Book of Holistic Balderdash by Melinda Crookshark
  • The Dark Forces: Protecting Yourself Against Genetically Modified Produce by Argus Stitch
  • A Beginner’s Guide to Craniosacral Dry-Needling Organic Mummification by Phylindrica Waffleton
  • Fantastic Beets and Where to Find them by Toad Salamander

Please find the enclosed course schedule. Any scheduling conflicts must be immediately submitted in expressive typography to the Headmistress.

Classes for First Year Students:
Asian Mushrooms for Tea and Feminine Hygiene
Introduction to Sarah Jessica Parker’s Book Club
Nanny Language for Conversational Communication
Zodiac Charts for Real Estate Investing
Self-Care for French Bulldogs (with instructor permission)

First year students are eligible to take an optional elective. Please select from a) Edible Vitamin Dusts & Cruciferous Vegetable Aromatherapies, b) Urban Lumberjack Fashion, or c) Ancient Wellness Podcasts of the Early 21st Century.

Additional Equipment:

  • One standard size stainless steel Instant Pot (a Japanese donabe may be permissible) for potions and serums.
  • One bundle of organic sage for intermittent smudging of common spaces and luxury nap yurts (Laotian sage is preferred; other communist state-produced sage will be tolerated).
  • One calfskin Sonia Rykiel Spring 2018 lined tote with dedicated smoothie compartment.

We anticipate a peacock with your response soon.

Sincerely,

Tamara (pronounced TUEH-mauahr-hauouh) Adele Merriweather-Boppington

Headmistress

The Establishment

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Melanie LaForce

Written by

Author of the funny-awesome book Corn-Fed! cornfedbook.com. Twitter: @rileycoyote. Chicago/Cleveland.

The Establishment

The conversation is much more interesting when everyone has a voice. Media funded and run by women; new content daily.

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