Dear Jeff, California, 35: Do You Enjoy Going Down On Your Wife?

By Lusty Licker, New York, 34

If you need your wife to don Lorals’ ironclad, single-use, nonporous, vanilla-scented underwear to get her there, then your enthusiasm for licking is lacking, Jeff.
mylorals.com

Dear Jeff, California, 35,

Do you actually enjoy going down on your wife?

Forgive me for being forward, but I saw your testimonial for Lorals, the vanilla-scented panties for people preoccupied with how their pussies taste and smell, and now I’m wondering. Does a man who writes “I slid them on my wife and was able to bring her to orgasm” get off on her pleasure—or is his ego wrapped up in his perceived power to provide it (to an apparently passive participant)? You were able to? Good job, Jeff! Was it because her bits were buffered by a “non-porous material” that “create[s] a barrier to scents and fluids” (but not STDs)? Great.

Does this mean that your poor wife had never orgasmed with you before the blessed invention of these magical sucking-candy granny panties? Lorals would sure like us to believe that it was her fault, but Jeff. Bro. If you need your wife to have a literal vanilla(-scented) bean to be able to get her there, then your enthusiasm for licking it is lacking. Real talk: my girlfriend couldn’t make me come either if she recoiled every time her tongue touched my dick.

If you need your wife to have a literal vanilla(-scented) bean to be able to get her there, then your enthusiasm for licking it is lacking.

Perhaps your wife, like far too many vulva-bearing people, has internalized the douche(y) marketing strategy that pussies smell and taste bad. But guess what, Jeff? I’m a supertaster—the pickiest of picky eaters as a child and still picky AF as a grown-ass man—and in my experience, no, no they don’t. I like giving oral sex. In fact, I love it. I look forward to it. My partner and I almost never have sex without it, because her pleasure is just as important as mine. How about you, Jeff?

Here’s my real problem with the company you happily bragged to about your assisted prowess. They’ve embraced that odious marketing strategy; they want everyone to believe that pussies in their natural state are smelly, gross, fishy, disgusting, too wet, too dry, ew, cooties. They especially want people who have them to believe this about their own bodies, to feel unsexy, insecure, and undesirable. Did you know that this is how advertising works, Jeff? If all these humans didn’t feel this way, then there would be zero market for Lorals.

I encourage you to go to town on your wife’s clit as often as she wants, so, yay! for that one climax you gave her. Seriously. Woo-hoo! But I want you to do it without munching on those fake dental dam underpants, because they’re part of the problem. Instead of helping folks overcome deep-seated insecurities to truly enjoy sex, Lorals is trying to instill those insecurities in those who don’t already have them and reinforce them in those who do.

Listen, my man, I’m proud of you for finally ending your long-suffering wife’s orgasm drought, but like, one last thing. Doesn’t she deserve more than one before you move on to “look[ing] forward to her teasing me with them in the future”? You feel like a sexual superhero a whopping one time, and now it’s her turn to focus on titillating and tantalizing you again?

I see you, Jeff, California, 35. And I see you too, Lorals.

Love,

Lusty Licker, New York, 34

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