First-Generation, Non-Binary, And Just Enough The Way I Am
By A.L. Hu
I am a non-binary person. My gender does not fall within the bounds of the male-female binary. I am also a first-generation Asian-American. I wrote this to add to the many stories out there of trans-embodiment. There aren’t many non-binary people who are visible to the undiscerning, uncaring eye, but we exist. I exist. I have to tell myself every single day.
When I was 9 years old, the world seemed an endless but knowable place. Riding my bike on suburban streets and running as fast as possible was as real as it could get — the wind flying through my hair, acceleration and momentum propelling me forward. I wore whatever clothing I wanted. I was a kid, free and boundless. My life was in motion and no one could stop me, boy or girl, man or woman.
But then, at age 12, the world began closing in on me. Middle school was a special hell for me, as puberty propelled me abruptly from child to adult. As my body started to develop, I began to feel a disconnect between who I thought I was, who I was supposed to be, and who society said I should become. I could not explain how I felt in words. A toxic combination of society’s expectations and my immigrant parents’ unemotional, stifling strictness for me as a girl growing into a woman caged me in my own mind. I felt guilty for no longer being the…
