Get Thee To A Summer Makeover

Hey, hi, hello and good morrow. So glad you stopped by.

Now that you’re here, I’d like to take this moment to talk about personal hygiene.

Summer is here and as Regina Spector says, that means “cleavage, cleavage, cleavage.” You look like hell (it was a rough winter I’ll give you that) but in truth, the prospect of seeing your flesh out and about in the glaring sun, poolside, hiking — just about anywhere really — is making a thin stream of hot vomit rise in my throat.

And so, together we shall traverse the chasm of self-care and banish your corporeal problems so you can feel more confident and I don’t have to smell you. Win-win.

Maybe you don’t know that hygiene is a thing. Maybe you didn’t know that you need to tend to your hair, nails, skin, and teeth to not induce aforementioned nausea, confusion, panic, and disdain among friends, colleagues, and potential lovers. Maybe you haven’t gotten the memo on “soap, hot water, and elbow grease.”

Like our dear, lost, protagonist, “you don’t seem like the type that could make this guy behave like a human being.” And by that, we mean you may have a few stray hairs, your socks have slipped down, and a corner of your blouse has come loose from your skirt. You’re self-presentation is pitiable and will decidedly not induce a slavering salutation or open-mouthed stare as you try and make your way down the sidewalk.

And we both can agree, this isn’t something one can just pass over. It’s inexcusable at this point. And so, I’ve banded together with the better-bred and found this video to help us all.

This PSA is here to help. And not just the ladies.

“Many men let their nails get long and ragged and ignore their cuticles!” DON’T YOU KNOW NAILS ARE BREEDING GROUNDS FOR BACTERIA?! And for Christ’s sake, avoid direct contact with damp bathroom floors. (And there’s nothing wrong with a skin-tight, merely foot-long towel wrap either, amiright?!)

So, you’re welcome. Here’s hoping that in just a few days’ time you won’t be an eye and nose-sore.

Happy summer.

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