How To Balance Your Budget After Paying For Your Rape Kit

Content Note: Gird yourself for some seriously gritty rape discussion.

So, you just went through the most traumatic moment of your life. All you want to do is forget that you were raped. Thankfully, you can. How? By balancing your budget!

That’s right. American hospitals are so thoughtful that they charge survivors of sexual assault anywhere between $800 and $1,500 to process their rape kit. Now, instead of thinking about any injustices against you, you can distract yourself with your finances!

Here are some easy ways to balance your budget while dealing with your recent rape:

Shop in thrift stores

You probably got into this situation in the first place because you were wearing a flashy outfit. Thankfully, you can’t afford clothes like that anymore! Simply go to your nearest Goodwill, find some baggy bargain bin clothes, and wear them for the rest of your life. You’ll never want a romantic partner again, anyways — you’ll be too busy dealing with emotional trauma and your complicated relationship with the U.S. government.

Buy off-brand tampons in bulk

Congratulations, your rape didn’t result in a pregnancy! To celebrate, treat yourself to some off-brand, cardboard tampons from Costco or BJs. You’ll save a couple dollars each month on those pesky “luxury” items. Plus, the stiff, cardboard applicator will leave scratches inside of your vagina that are a lasting reminder of how badly that douchebag, and the government, is fucking you over!

Cook your own food

Preparing meals at home is cheaper and healthier than eating at restaurants. Besides, you’ll be so filled with anxiety about your recent sexual assault (and subsequent debt) that you won’t want to leave the house, anyways! It’s a win-win.

Cancel your gym membership

Exercising outside can be just as effective as a fitness class in a gym! Or, even better, stay in your apartment for days on end with a sinking feeling that America doesn’t care about the mental or physical health of women. Bonus: You won’t spend money on public transportation!

Eliminate luxury expenses

There are some things women buy that they simply don’t need: designer purses, expensive makeup, therapy, and regular doctor visits. Once you cut these items out of the equation, you can spend all of your money on what really matters — paying a hospital back for a rape kit that constantly reminds you of the worst moment of your life.

Now that your budget is balanced, are you concerned that you won’t have anything to distract yourself from your sexual assault? Well, don’t worry. For the next few months, or if you’re lucky, years, you can wonder if your rape kit will ever be tested! That’s right — thousands of rape kits are sitting, untested, in police storage facilities all over America. Instead of getting justice, you can wonder why the U.S. government refuses to prioritize sexual assault cases — and that’s a mystery that might never be solved.