How To Make Your Face Look Like A Wall Mural

Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.

Here are some lovely heart faces from Kaylan and Aurora last week:

hearts

THIS WEEK: It’s so hot to look like a wall right now. First, you’ve got to choose which wall you want to look like. This task is made easy when you go for a stroll in your friend Samantha’s neighborhood and walk smack into the first Maya Hayuk mural you’ve ever gotten to see with your own two eyes in real life, CHEMTRAILS MIAMI:

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So you go back to Samantha’s apartment and pack up all of the eyeshadow you brought along on this visit (Urban Decay’s Vice3 and Electric palettes, respectively; your 2014 birthday and Christmas gifts, respectively), then return to the wall to make your face look like it. Be sure to snap a middle distance reference pic before approaching the wall; it’s much more difficult to pick out the criss-crossing color patterns up close.

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You have walked maybe seven blocks, and you are a hot sweaty wreck. It is February. God bless Miami.

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Remove your prescription sunglasses prior to applying makeup. Unbeknownst to our normal-sighted peers, nearsighted people have an incredible superpower: the ability to undertake socially-eccentric actions in public without feeling self conscious! It’s just hard to feel embarrassment when the people around you are only visible as darting vertical smears of color.

Examine both the wall and your reference photo, then ultimately end up arbitrarily choosing a pale pink starting line. Use a small stiff brush to apply a line of similarly colored shadow across your face. Your sweat will make the pressed powder adhere really well! (Right up until the point when it starts to run down your forehead, anyway, in which case it may cause streaks.)

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Dust off the brush on your hand between colors and lay down some parallel lines, checking the mural for color reference. Note: this is easily the most time-consuming part of imitating a Maya Hayuk mural. It is difficult to approximate straight-ish lines on the curvy topography of a face!

When you’re ready to get perpendicular, just use a fingertip to erase a space in any previously drawn line that should appear to be overlapped by a criss-crossing color.

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In fact, if you screw up or become displeased with your overall line placement, you can just scrub it off and draw again! This would be about seventy five hundred times easier if you thought to pack some makeup remover wipes instead of relying on your sweaty index finger, but at this point you’ve just gotta do what you’ve gotta do.

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A number of people will approach you as you continue to add lines, and you will respond to them all with a pleasantly myopic half-smile. A woman who (you think?) is thin and blondish, maybe wearing something…black? smiles audibly when she speaks to you. “Wow, it’s just, my kids and I talk a lot about art and…well, you are, to me, what art is.” You will feel surprised and enormously flattered at this pronouncement! Though you disagree — what you are doing right now is interacting with a work of art, if anything, you feel — but you think you get what she’s driving at: it can be really delightful to see someone connecting with an artwork in a way that hadn’t occurred to you yet. It tends to make you happy, anyway, but who are you to say? You think selfies with and/or inside art are an awesome thing.

It occurs to you that the act of “attention whoring” you are currently undertaking could also conceivably infuriate other people. Fortunately, you can’t see any of them. “She’s so cool,” declares a passing preteen, because preteens like it when adults do slightly oddball things in highly trafficked public places in a seemingly nonchalant fashion.

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It will take some time to fill in your blank face with strips of color, but gets faster and faster as you go, leaving less and less bare skin to color. Ideally you should progress steadily save for an interlude in which a rogue baby tries for a close-up view of your process, returning determinedly from attempts at redirection in the unsteady shuffle of some sort of cute zombie penguin.

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As the sun begins to set, fill in the last remaining square areas of skin with white, yellow, and silver powders. Apply your brightest fuchsia lipstick, then use its tip to drag some “drips” down your chin.

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Close your eyes and lean back. Become one with the wall.

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*no one can see you here*

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