How To Make Yourself Look Extremely Fabulous

Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.

Ugh, man. It’s one of those days when I just don’t want to look at my own stupid face right now, you know?


I suppose I should do something about that. I suppose I will become fabulous.

This foundation is, like, half a shade too light for me, but it works.


The key to lining your waterlines is to avoid directly crossing your pupil with the pencil — it’ll make you blink. The other key to lining your waterlines is desensitizing your eyeballs to the sensation of being poked with sharp soft sticks.


Cover your lids with dark gray metallic shadow, applied wet:


Then fluff out the edges with dry shadow and a brush.


Throw on a couple coats of mascara. Stay hydrated.


Contour the shit out of yourself with a your-skin-tone-plausible shade of pressed blush.


Top your cheekbones off with slightly more bright blush than you feel comfortable wearing.


Highlight aggressively.


No, no, no, no: more aggressively! Way too much is what we’re going for, here.


Ideally, remember to apply liquid eyeliner before mascara, but whatever. It serves as a good ground for your fake eyelashes.


Put on your hair. (Extremely fabulous people don’t bother with clothes.)


Put on your opulent jewel-covered masquerade mask.


Put on a shit-ton of jewelry.


When you’re this fabulous, red is gauche. Paint your mouth purple to better coordinate with the blue, blue blood that flows beneath your skin.


And now, in order to achieve the highest possible summit of fabulosity, go back to bed.


It’s not comfortable, but it’s fabulous! Wake me when it’s time to be admired.

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