How To Make Yourself Look Like A Mermaid
Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.
Good god, what a week.
But we survived it, right? The first week of #MerMay! I became a mermaid for one day last year because it was too hot. Today I am going to become a mermaid because it’s rainy and cold, and also I am thinking of relocating to the bottom of the sea if Donald Trump is elected President of the United States. There’s plenty of room for more fish-ladies down there, right? Feel free to join me.
First, you’ve got to change your skin to a more mermaid-y color.
…including the skin between your eyelashes and eyeballs.
Contour the hell out of your face with a darker shade of mermaid shadow.
Using a piece of the tulle you bought a few weeks ago, put some silver scales on your cheekbones.
Subsequently realize that tulle is useless for creating scales. You’ll never get the texture you want without fishnet.
Add some green eyeshadow:
Add some blue eyeliner for good measure.
Do mermaids wear mascara?
Mermaids definitely have long beautiful eyelashes.
Hans Christian Andersen says that mermaids have no tears.
Hans Christian Andersen can bite me.
How would he know, anyway? Wouldn’t mermaid tears just mix in with the surrounding salt water and float away?
Procure some mermaid hair.
Get it wet.
SURPRISE! Wearing a wet wig is really uncomfortable.
Super shiny lipgloss that transfers easily is uncomfortable, too, but mermaids really hate chapped lips.
Sebastian had it straight, people: Life on dry land can be downright unpleasant, especially during election years.
But I suppose I shouldn’t be in such a hurry to trade my voice away for the ability to breathe underwater. Instead I should use it to condemn bigotry and demand a capable leader of the free world before it’s too late for all women, even those who are half-fish.