How To Make Yourself Look Like A Mermaid

Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.

Good god, what a week.

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But we survived it, right? The first week of #MerMay! I became a mermaid for one day last year because it was too hot. Today I am going to become a mermaid because it’s rainy and cold, and also I am thinking of relocating to the bottom of the sea if Donald Trump is elected President of the United States. There’s plenty of room for more fish-ladies down there, right? Feel free to join me.

First, you’ve got to change your skin to a more mermaid-y color.

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…including the skin between your eyelashes and eyeballs.

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Contour the hell out of your face with a darker shade of mermaid shadow.

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Using a piece of the tulle you bought a few weeks ago, put some silver scales on your cheekbones.

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Subsequently realize that tulle is useless for creating scales. You’ll never get the texture you want without fishnet.

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Add some green eyeshadow:

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Then blue.

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Add some blue eyeliner for good measure.

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Do mermaids wear mascara?

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Mermaids definitely have long beautiful eyelashes.

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Hans Christian Andersen says that mermaids have no tears.

Hans Christian Andersen can bite me.

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How would he know, anyway? Wouldn’t mermaid tears just mix in with the surrounding salt water and float away?

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Procure some mermaid hair.

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Get it wet.

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SURPRISE! Wearing a wet wig is really uncomfortable.

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Super shiny lipgloss that transfers easily is uncomfortable, too, but mermaids really hate chapped lips.

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Sebastian had it straight, people: Life on dry land can be downright unpleasant, especially during election years.

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But I suppose I shouldn’t be in such a hurry to trade my voice away for the ability to breathe underwater. Instead I should use it to condemn bigotry and demand a capable leader of the free world before it’s too late for all women, even those who are half-fish.

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