How To Make Yourself Look Like An Android

Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.

It’s a new year! New you! Less emotional, more productive, with a shining impenetrable epidermis that renders you invincible to injury and irritation. Yes! 2016 C.E. is the year you become a robot.

First, add color to the inner rims of your eyelids. Leave no vulnerable human skin visible.

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Next, add a shiny shadow. Fingers are extremely underrated as eyeshadow application tools, I find.

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Ignore your eyelashes and eyebrows. No self-respecting android gives a shit about eyelid fur.

Now it’s time to get metal. You will need silver eyeshadow, a makeup sponge, and water. Get the sponge wet. Rub the wet sponge on the eyeshadow. Pat the damp eyeshadow all over your skin.

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Sharpen your cheekbones into droid-cutting edges with a darker streak of shadow.

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Then blend.

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Add a frosted lipstick with matching metallic sparkle.

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You should feel much more tranquil already. The words of fuckboys register only as a soothing hum of white noise in your audioceptors. You don’t even see the comment sections at the end of popular news sites; your optic sensors now dismiss irrelevant information before it can trouble your neocortex.

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Eliminate your protein-based hair to make way for new and improved plastic follicles.

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Put on a wig.

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Put on a garment.

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Congratulations! You have solved all of your exasperating organic problems by embracing the Maschinenmensch life! No more pain, no more worry, no more feeble human frailty. Nothing can stand in your way! (Or won’t once you figure out how to operate these eyeball lasers, anyway.)

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