How To Make Yourself Look Like Outer Space

Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.

Have you guys seen this image of the ENTIRE UNIVERSE Pablo Carlos Budassi made using logarithmic maps? And then this week, the Internet blew up over Konstantin Batygin and Mike Brown’s evidence for the possible existence of Planet 9, which might be wrangling Kuiper Belt objects into oddball orbits right in our own system!

Space is swinging hard for 2016. I want some space on my face. LET’S DO THIS.

First I used my favorite beauty product, wet eyeshadow (get the brush wet, then brush it on the shadow, then brush it on your skin) to frame the edges of my face in a shape like this:

Then I added a layer of dry, darker navy shadow to the inner edge of the blue.

I spent approximately a billion years using both the wet and dry brushes to blend the two shades together in a more aesthetically pleasing fashion until I got bored and moved on. My life is measured in a brief series of rapid 365-spin whirls around Sol; I ain’t got time for perfectionism.

Next, going for a sort of “artist’s rendition of newly discovered luminous galaxy” color palette, I brushed bright orange shadow into the creases of my eyelids and rubbed some silver on the lids. (Fingertips are THE superior application tool for silver eyeshadow. I don’t know why this is, but I know it to be true.)

Then I got galactic all over my forehead. Using a fingertip, I put a dot of matte yellow shadow in the center, then brushed rings of shiny bronze and gold all around it. I put a little white highlighter around the very edges of the yellow “star,” flicking it outward to give the appearance of rays. Did you know that a quasar shines so brightly because it’s getting eaten by a supermassive black hole?

Basically, according to my extreme lay-person’s understanding, the quasar star is just doing its thing, tralala, and then it gets too close to this big-ass black hole, which starts to slurp it up like a spaghetti noodle, starting with its outer layers of gas, and then the star is like “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” and the black hole is inexorably like, “I WILL CONSUME EVERYTHING” and sucks up the star’s gas SO FAST that the energy of its streaking passage across the void into the maw of the black hole shines super brightly. So a quasar is, like, the incredibly beautiful screaming of a young star being flayed alive to satisfy the endless appetite of the dark gravity at the center of its galaxy. MESSED UP, right? And COOL!

I patted on a bit of glitter to represent the other little stars of the galaxy twinkling off at a safe distance from the devouring gravity.

Fake eyelashes! The key to sticking lash wigs to your eyelids is patience. Wait for the glue to dry to a tacky consistency, remember to breathe while you’re putting them on, and if you screw up, no big! Just gently remove the lash strip, fix anything that looks fucked up, and try again.

At this point I added a metric shit-ton of shiny shadow all over my face to up my otherworldly aura. I took pictures of each step, realized that was gonna be really boring to scroll through, and then made this after-the-fact Photoshop paint job to show all the colors and locations of the shiny stuff I am wearing. Behold!

Halfway done! Time for the iMagic Make Up For Ever flash palette dupe I bought for $10 on Ebay last year.

I have a confession to make. I have only ever used this palette once before. I don’t know if I subconsciously associated it with the feeling of a glass eyeball in my nose or what, but I have not used it since last summer. Anyway, color me (literally!) surprised at its amazingness. Forget you, former favorite wet eyeshadow; I am using this flash palette for everything from here on out.

Time to make like Bob Ross and add some happy little interstellar clouds to the ground of blue-black on my neck, along with a few scattered dots of white from the flash palette.

Lastly, lips. I have been really fixated on this silver NYX lipstick lately. I didn’t like it when it first arrived because it’s somewhat sheer, but now I can’t get enough of the way it lets the natural shade of your lips glint through a fine layer of silver. I have been wearing it everywhere and naturally seized upon this somewhat more legitimate excuse to show it off.

Damn girl, you should wear this much highlighter more often!!

Too beautiful to be confined by the meager gravity of one small planet, you are now ready to take your place among stars.

(Upon return to my typical middle earth-dwelling human-shaped lifestyle, I realized that, typically preferring to wear makeup that washes off easily with soap, I did not have any makeup remover on hand to un-blue myself. If this ever happens to you, you may find, as I did, that normal ol’ lotion and a wet washcloth will easily restore you to your default naked skin color. Godspeed and good luck in your travels, fellow explorer!)

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