How To Make Yourself Look Like Werewolf Cindy Crawford
Welcome to Make Your Face, a makeup tutorial series with a simple mission: makeup by you (me) for your (my) own entertainment, Establishment-style.
Kaylan, Madeleine, and Amanda got glowed up this week and subsequently sent me pictures! They all look incredible:
And now, How to Make Your Face Look Like Cindy Crawford Lounging with Half-Naked Bullet-Wearing Wolfmen in a 1999 Swish Jeans Advertisement Shot by Ellen von Unwerth and Styled by Bill Mullen! (We tried to make that the official headline of this post. It was too long.)
I realize that this is a bizarrely specific and not incredibly timely subject for a makeup tutorial. HOWEVER, I just saw this image for the first time in my life:
and it made my eyeballs feel like:
so here we are. WHAT IS CINDY CRAWFORD’S STORY IN THIS PHOTO??? I don’t know, but I do know that I want to be her, immediately, for the rest of my life. Or at least a few hours.
First up: serious brows. Draw the basic shape with liner pencil:
Then use a clean mascara wand to soften and blend it into your real brow.
Next, silver eyeshadow alllllll over your eyelids, up onto your browbone.
Though on second glance, I think Cindy’s shadow may be more of a matte pale grey than sparkly silver.
Cindy, what is your LIFE here?? Who are those men? Are they just normal, run-of-the-mill beefcake dudes who happen to be wearing disturbing wolf masks? Or are they wearing wolf masks because they are really werewolves?! They are clearly your underlings in this scenario — that much is obvious — but what exactly is the nature of your relationship? Are they henchmen? Decorative pet wolfman boy toys? What’s with the camo? Are they not allowed to wear jeans? You wear the jeans ‘round these parts, not them?
And what’s with everybody having a lot of bullets, but no guns? Is that, like, a power statement? Are they silver bullets? Are those stakes in Left Wolfman’s belt, and are they for killing vampires? Are they just really big bullets?? They look pointy; he does not look very comfortable.
I am not sure if your wolfmen are very intelligent, Cindy. I worry about them.
Three different liners are required to make your eyes look more Cindy-ish: silver pencil on the lower waterline, black pencil just beneath your lower lashes, and a thin stroke of black liquid liner on your upper lid.
Use a small brush to put black shadow in the crease of your eyelids, then add a swoosh like the Nike logo from the outer edge of your eye up to your temple. Use a fluffier brush loaded up with a little more shadow to blend the edges out.
Then add fake lashes.
Cindy, what the hell is that gun thingy? Is it a really fancy hot glue gun? Is it supposed to be a space age tattoo gun? Is it a Marvin the Martian-style death ray? Is that blood on the end of it?? It doesn’t look capable of shooting any of the bullets you and your wolfmen are wearing, Cindy. And what’s with the gauntlets? That has to be a fashion power move, huge studded gloves with no shirt. Can your wolfmen maneuver efficiently with their spiky bracelets? I would be afraid my wolfman would accidentally hurt himself with the spikes, if I had a wolfman.
So last week, I was all “blah blah blah, experiment with different colors for contour, don’t just reach for brown!” Then this picture of Cindy Crawford lounging with wolfmen punched me in the eyeballs and one-shot killed me with the sickness of her brown contour. Just goes to show, what the fuck do I know? Use a fluffy eyeshadow brush to shade your cheekbones, temples, and hairline with brown shadow, then a larger blush brush with a small amount of lighter brown powder to blend.
I spent about an hour messing around with bobby pins, a flat iron, and some serious hairspray in attempt to mimic Cindy’s ‘do, and I’m not really sure I can explain it (or ever manage it again). It basically amounted to twisting pieces of hair to point forward, securing then with bobby pins, straightening individual chunks with a flat iron, and forcing the whole mess into submission with a choking death cloud of strong-hold hairspray.
Working on my hair gave me a lot of time to think about Cindy’s wolf situation. What is that surface they’re lying on? A mattress? Or are they in a subtly padded cell?! Wait, maybe the bloody gun is a werewolf tranquilizer dart and Cindy is a werewolf too! And both she and the wolfmen are enslaved by some rich bad guy who makes them fight as gladiators for his entertainment! And he keeps them drugged and dresses them in silver bullets to make a mockery of their powerlessness, but unbeknownst to him, Cindy is becoming resistant to the sedative. Her hatred is growing, as is her strength. Soon, she will make her move. Soon, Werewolf Cindy and her brothers will be free!
Paint your mouth with dark, dark red-brown lipstick, the color of Werewolf Cindy’s captor’s heart’s blood:
And, of course, a mole.
The time of vengeance is at hand, Werewolf Cindy! The blood of your tormentors will taste sweet in your mouth and sing in your veins. Tonight, Cindy Crawford, we will run free under the moonlight once again!!