How To Uplevel Your Miserable Life!!!

Nov 22, 2015 · 6 min read

Do you have a job? Like in an office? Where you work for someone else? Are the demands on your time — from your boss and your family — depleting your Essential Life Force (ELF)? Are you like, sooo tired, but in those rare moments when you manage to pry your eyes open and lift your head off your desk and peek through the fog of endless, oppressive misery, despair, and hopelessness, do you sense in your third eye that there’s more out there for you???

If you’re not living in a constant state of pure orgasmic joy, then THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! According to The Law of Attraction, “What you think about you bring about,” so if your life sucks, you have no one to blame but yourself!

Fortunately, that’s where I come in! As an Inspirational Motivational Co-Creational Entrepreneurial Manifestation Coach, I earn millions of dollars just doing whatever I want to every day! If I wake up and feel like making a green juice in my Vitamix and going to SoulCycle and CrossFit and Pure Barre and doing yoga naked on the beach and playing on my backyard trapeze and collaging my OPTIMAL PASSION-PURPOSE-MISSION LIFE VISION (OPPMLV) and getting a new tattoo of another Sanskrit character I don’t even understand and Instagramming it, then THAT’S ALL I DO! I don’t force myself to like, work. You have to fully, truly, deeply enjoy your life to attract wealth, and working at a J-O-B would bring down my vibes and actually PROHIBIT me from earning money!

I’m hella #grateful and #blessed to have a life that gives me like, a giant glee orgasm. Every. Single. Day. And I’m here to tell you that you can, too! All you need is my 108 Simple Super-Secret Tips & Tricks — available on my podcast — and you can UPLEVEL YOUR MISERABLE LIFE in no time at all!!!

SO, a little bit about me . . .

I like rainbows and unicorns. I love the color PINK! Cotton candy is pretty but I won’t touch it because I only eat Paleo (and you can, too!). Between my high-performance diet and my unshakable belief in the infinite, never-ending abundance of the Universe that never ends, I’m gifted with unlimited energy and I don’t get tired. Not even when I’m SLEEPING!

I have no credentials. NONE! Isn’t that unbelievable??? I cleared six figures in the time it’s taken me to write this post alone and I literally know NOTHING! How inspiring is that?!?

I mean, I got sober in AA when I was 15, and I co-opt 12-Step lingo and act as if recovery slogans are like, my own original flashes of inspiration. And I was in an Aerosmith video once! Well, actually, my mom is a model, and she was in an Aerosmith video when she was six-weeks pregnant with me and I was like, a teeny tiny baby embryo in her tummy. I couldn’t really be in an Aerosmith video because I wasn’t even BORN until the 90s!!!

College degree? Nope! Professional training? Who needs it! I’m 100% self-taught and I have a direct line of communication to my Higher Power (HP), and Oprah’s private cell phone number saved in my rose gold iPhone 6S. And I charge a thousand dollars an hour!

Plus I read A Course in Miracles. Well, like, the first chapter. But I totally discussed it with my sponsor. It was like, profound. So I can help you understand it, too! “This chair is not a chair.” I know! Deep, right???

So if you’re 40, and not FULLY LIVING YOUR DREAM yet, first of all — you’re OLD. And nextly, give up. Just. Give. Up. It’s not going to happen for you. You’re not a MILLENNIAL. You probably have wrinkles around your eyes and wiry gray hairs and those bumpy veins in your legs, and no one wants to see that! It’s not INSPIRING! It’s not aspirational, like my Instagram.

I have some clients in their 40s, and don’t get me wrong, I’ll take their money, but there’s seriously no hope for them. I have to like, translate everything I say into a language they can understand! Like “uplevel”? Yes, it’s totally a real word! It means, um, you know, like, LEVEL UP. I should charge everyone over 40 two thousand dollars an hour because my brain has to work so much harder!

Anyhoo, I have to sign-off soon, because I need to Give Some Love (GSL) to the third book in my multi-million dollar three-book deal about Connecting To Your Divine Self (CTYDS) through tweeting. (And by GSL I just mean that I’m going to put on a gauzy white dress and daisy-chain headband and pretend to meditate as I snap selfies, while my broke, pathetic, 40-year-old ghostwriter, who has like, actual writing experience, does all the work!)

I can’t believe I almost forgot to mention — I’m married to my True Soul Mate Life Partner (TSMLP) and have my DREAM family of 2.5 kids! My relationship with my husband/TSMLP is PERFECT, because he and those kids just show up for photo ops and then honestly, I don’t even know where they go or what they do the rest of the time. So they never drain me with their OBLIGATIONS or DEMANDS. But they look gorgeous on my Facebook page!

But back to YOU! There are literally TONS of ways you can work with me!

You can click the link below to download my workbook, well, actually, coloring book, for $20,000. But you can’t just read it and expect to see changes in your life. You have to do ALL the exercises or um, coloring, because it only works if you work it.

And later today I’ll be Periscoping about Instagramming — join me on the ‘Scope!

You can also book a private one-hour ULYML session with me for $1,000 — or $2,000 if you’re over 40! Since I’m so rich and successful, I just really can’t be contained in one, like BORING location, so I’m pretty much constantly traveling ALL OVER THE WORLD! You’ll probably never get to have an in-person session with me, but don’t freak out! We can FaceTime and Snapchat! (And yes, it’s still $1,000 to Snapchat with me! Because my time is like, VALUABLE!)

But you have to ACT FAST! And also, ACT AS IF! Did you see that Instagram I posted yesterday of my Google cal? It’s TOTALLY PACKED and there are hardly ANY SPOTS LEFT! I mean, sure, I blew all my clients’ anonymity, but LOOK HOW POPULAR I AM!!!

OK, for reals, I gotta go now and frolic with my bestie Oprah. Check out my YouTube channel tomorrow for an uplifting video montage set to Bruno Mars’s “Just the Way You Are” of highlights from me and O’s — as I like to call her — most funnest shenanigans ever!

If you want to stop destroying your own life by wallowing in a cesspool of self-created misery and mediocrity, and you’re ready to CRUSH IT online and IRL, get at me at mylifewillalwaysbebetterthanyours [at] gmail [dot] com.

With me on your team and at your side (not literally, but via my killer platform on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Periscope, Pinterest, Google+, and Snapchat), YOU GOT THIS!!! It’s time to think about what you want to bring about so you can co-create your OPPMLV with your HP and me.

One day at a time.


Lead image credit: qwerpy5485, DeviantArt

The Establishment

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Jennifer Garam

Written by

Coffee-drinking, yoga-mat-toting, bookstore-browsing, Brooklyn-based writer & writing teacher.

The Establishment

The conversation is much more interesting when everyone has a voice. Media funded and run by women; new content daily.

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