I’m Mailing My Old Hair To Bill O’Reilly’s White Ass — And You Can Too

flickr/Ben Smith
Bill O’Reilly must learn what happens when he comes for a Black Auntie.

“I am a strong Black woman and I will not be intimidated.”

That is how Rep. Maxine Waters (D CA-43) responded when Bill O’Reilly made a crack about her hair. On an episode of Fox & Friends, O’Reilly snorted, seethed, and jeered through a clip of Waters, who was minding her own business, making a statement on the floor of Congress. Despite Waters being a brilliant speaker and strong advocate for many Americans, O’Reilly dismissed her statement, claiming he couldn’t hear any of her words because he was too distracted by her, and I quote, “James Brown wig.”

When I first heard O’Reilly’s soundbite, I was actually quite confused. Any Black person can tell you that James Brown wasn’t known for wearing wigs; his hair was always whipped to the max via a glorious perm. My true reaction was therefore delayed; my brain was stuck arguing over the semantics of James Brown’s hair while the pit of my stomach sagged from another white man disrespecting the hell out of a Black woman for racist reasons.

Rep. Waters’ response to this mean-spirited mocking was another mic-drop moment for her to add to her growing resume. Between this, her boycott of the joint address, and boldly calling for Trump’s impeachment, Waters has earned her spot on the ever-growing list of professional women who brilliantly persist in the face of all this insufferable masculinity. She has been front and center in the congressional resistance against Trump — protesting against him, repeatedly calling out his misdeeds, and campaigning for his (hopefully inevitable) impeachment. Her fierceness earned her the adoration of Black users online, going so far to bestow upon her the cherished name “Auntie Maxine” — an honorific reserved for only the fiercest of women. To be a Black Auntie is to be someone that Black folks will trust with their lives, their children’s lives, and the potato salad. And Bill O’Reilly must learn what happens when he comes for a Black Auntie.

Bill O’Reilly must learn what happens when he comes for a Black Auntie.

Oh Bill. Oh, Billy-Bill-Bill-Billy-Bill-Bill. You truly ain’t shit. So many times, you’ve sat in the spotlight with all the bustling confidence of a mediocre white man, smirking and winking at the camera as if you look like a young Marlon Brando and not a cross between Grandpa Simpson and a melting pudding pop. So, so many times, you hornswoggle fear into your white audience, fixing that crackled line you call a mouth to say rubbish like “Black folks are all ill-educated with tattoos on their foreheads” or “Trump was right to call all Mexicans rapists and murderers because all they really do is come over here and rape women.” Your powers of deception have transformed you into your final form: Ultimate Old White Man, with the incredible ability to pass yourself off to your white audience as the pinnacle of intelligence and morality, while off-camera you’re racking up one hell of a tab with the Fox News parent, who has to keep paying off the many women employees you’ve been chasing around your set despite their pleas for you to take a seat.

Bill, your focus on Auntie Maxine’s hair is classic misogynoir: A woman’s words can only hold as much weight as her ability to make your soggy dick tingle. This presents a rather unique problem for Black women, for men like you grow resentful or even stark raving mad at any implication that we just might have some carnal power over you (which may I add, ew). As a result, Black women are routinely demeaned and devalued, set up to fail against the Euro standard of beauty, and no trait has given us more grief in this catch-22 than our textured hair. So here we are again, watching you snort and roll your eyes at the congresswoman’s brilliance, forcing yourself not to hear her because you can’t deal with how you might respond.

Now, O’Reilly did apologize in that ever-so-popular non-apology type of way. He noted Waters was a “sincere individual,” and that he was going to “give her a break.” He even invited her on his show? Oh, Bill. You know and we know that your apology is the trashiest trash to ever trash on this trash-filled Earth. Your perpetuation of racism and misogyny to constantly excuse you audience’s own mediocrity in spite of privilege has been consistently rewarded with top-notch ratings and hotly coveted ad space. There’s no way you’re actually sorry, but you still gon’ learn today.

In the wake of Auntie Maxine’s battle cry, “I will not be intimidated,” women are speaking up. Not just the occasional think piece, not just Hillary Clinton (who I think may have just returned from the Matrix?), but also the many women you, Bill, have harassed at the very network you work at. It does not matter how many times you seek to humiliate by insulting our very existence. We will not be intimidated. It does not matter who comes to your defense, like liberal-because-I-once-had-a-Black-girlfriend platypus-face Bill Maher. We will not be intimidated.

Women will continue to hold the center of the resistance against our Liar-in-Chief Donald Trump and our mostly apathetic Congress, led by the cowardly Paul Ryan, as it continues to ignore the gorilla named Russia in our midst and instead terrorize constituents with gutted health bills, anti-climate legislation, and approval of Trump’s hyper-spending in all things military while he Twitter-trolls foreign superpowers. And if that’s too hard for you to understand because you’re still distracted by a wig on a brilliant woman’s head, then do us all a favor and stay distracted. Stay very distracted. Stay so distracted that you sit in front of the camera comatose and never utter a single word again.

May your downfall be long and hairy, Bill. In fact, let me help you start over the edge. I’ve took it upon myself to mail you a bundle of my old braiding hair from my winter hair style. I addressed the box to Bill O’Reilly, c/o Fox News Channel, 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036, so I know your office will receive it soon. It’s nice and used and smells of sassy Black woman, just how you hate it. I will not be intimidated. My mother has also sent you a box of old hair extensions from an event she attended. She won’t be intimidated either. A few of my dear friends have also mailed out their own used units, for they will not be intimidated.

May your downfall be long and hairy, Bill.

As a matter of fact, I think I’ll invite all women and femmes to show just how unintimidating you are by joining me in a week long hair sending party, in the hope that we can finally shut your bitch ass up. Enjoy our old weaves, wigs, doll hair, pet hair — hell, even the hair on that old Lucky Troll doll I’m sure one of us has definitely been saving for no foreseeable reason. Ladies, pack it all up and send it to Bill O’Reilly with a single message from our Auntie Maxine. Fuck your apology. Fuck your validation.

I will not be intimidated.

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