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J.Law Adorably Accused Of Manslaughter!

You might know her as the top-tier A-Lister who also happens to be adorable as hell (and ridiculously down to earth!), and is totally just like us, only better in every way. But we know her as Katniss Evergreen, because we’ll love her and her quiver of arrows forever. (Even though she’s asked us to stop calling her that.) (And also to stop calling after 2 a.m. because no one in their right mind wants to get froyo at that hour. LOL.)

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OMG we SO love how she killed that guy!

Us Weekly has since apologized and is allowed to call and text again — thank god! — so we caught up with the divine miss J-Law on Sunday afternoon for the opening of Miley Cyrus’ dog yoga class in idyllic Malibu. Ms. Lawrence — obvi — looked effortlessly stunning yet totally approachable while dishing the deets on her recent manslaughter mayhem. (Over a plate piled high with Double-Double cheeseburgers, of course!)

“I swear I’ve eaten 20 of these already,” she said, licking ketchup from her fingers. “I was actually just at the thrift store shopping for this ugly sweater party and when I finally spotted something hideous enough, I pulled it off the rack, and this dress was stuck by static to it and was only 8 bucks, so I bought it. I figured, why the fuck not wear it today? It’s so comfy. I could literally sleep in it.”

Classic, right? Ugh. Love. Why can’t we be BFFs? WHAT DOES LAURA SIMPSON HAVE THAT WE DON’T HAVE? But we digress.

We all know things took an unexpectedly wild and crazy turn at the recent Golden Gal Awards, and Us was there for the whole debacle. Here, for the first time, is LawLaw’s exclusive interview about her oh-so-naughty legal mess!

“I was going to cut this cake that they got for me on the red carpet. But who knows why they got me a cake, right? I wasn’t even nominated for anything, you know? This fucking cake was so punny, and ridiculous. Anyway, they hand me this big golden knife and I, of course, just tripped like a big dumb goofball. And there was this guy right there. He didn’t even move. Decidedly un-catlike reflexes. And I accidentally stabbed him pretty hard. Right through the heart.
So there I am, tangled in my damn dress (which was just this gorgeous Dior thing by the way, all this thick blue satin) and I’m trying to stop the bleeding with a tablecloth and stack of cocktail napkins while we wait for the ambulance . . .
And this crazy beautiful bastard just looks right into my eyes and says, ‘Oh my god, you are SO hilarious. Please don’t feel bad at all. It didn’t even hurt that much, really. I love you.’ Verbatim.”

For the court-ordered record, that is indeed exactly how it went down (we’ve got the Periscope to prove it!), and it was one of the most heartwarming involuntary manslaughters you could ever hope to witness. Can you see me making heart hands right now?

Jen-zie-poo continued:

“It was terrifying and charming at the same time. I didn’t even know what to say. I was blown away. Right before he faded, he whispered ‘Thank you.’ I felt so terrible for him, but he was unbelievably sweet.”

This moment of reflection was interrupted by the buzz of JL’s iPhone. A tweet. She looked up pensively.

“His family got the news. They want to know if I’m okay,” she sighed, while dipping a crispy french fry into a bourbon chocolate milkshake. “They want to know if I got the card and flowers.”

***

Lead image: Wikimedia Commons; embedded image: flickr/Joanna155

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