Kim Kardashian’s Shakespearean Selfies

Photo Credit: Courtesy of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences

PROLOGUE

Internet commenters, alike in dignity,

On Instagram, where we lay our scene,

Will abandon all of their civility,

When the topic is their Calabasas queen.

SCENE: Instagram. The comments section beneath Kim Kardashian’s latest sexy selfie.

karsash4ever O Kim! One thousand roses could nev’r dream to match thy beauty. Thou art proof of God in womanly flesh!

annabananaaaa Perfection, thy name is “Kim Kardashian.”

sexxxystiletto Like water cureth a parched throat, one stolen glance at thee doth quench my thirst for loveliness.

jen42943 Thy womanly opening is but a rough-hewn satchel in which to store the rusty sabers of ev’ry village heathen!

kardash4ever Hark @Jen42943, how dare thee make such lurid claims about Kim’s satchel! One might suggest it is thy satchel which stores more rusty sabers!

jen42943 Thy suggestion is but a falsehood, @kardash4ever.

karsash4ever Perhaps my suggestion is a falsehood. Perhaps, indeed, no rusty saber desires thy rough-hewn satchel! Perhaps thy womanly opening has nev’r known a saber’s caress!

jen42943 Thy face bears great resemblance to a greedy hog slurping at the trough.

kardash4ever My eyes doth burn at the sight of you!

jen42943 If thine eyes burn it is because they set themselves aflame rather than risk the grotesque reflection of thee in passing mirrors!

tracyworkfromhome I MAKE $5000 A MONTH WORKING FROM HOME TAP THE LINK IN MY PROFILE TO FIND OUT HOW.

kardash4ever O @Jen42943! Thou dost possess the intellect of a withered codpiece!

edsheeranisgod Must we dive so eagerly into conflict, like rats in a barrel of mead?

jen42943 My grudge is with @kardash4ever. Dost thou wish to join the battle, @EdSheeranIsGod? Thou must be cautious of wishes that threaten to wreak thine own destruction.

edsheeranisgod Is a simple selfie worth such ire?

kardash4ever To defend Kim’s selfie is to defend beauty itself. I would rather die by beauty’s sword than watch it vanquished and die of heartbreak.

jen42943 I too would welcome death before peace with this putrid miscreant.

Scene continues in the comments of every Kim Kardashian selfie for all of eternity. The world ends. We all die.

***

Lead image: Wikimedia Commons

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