White Evangelicals here. You know, Jerry Fallwell, Jr. types. We’re new to this whole dating thing, but ready to meet someone! We just got out of a long-term relationship that honestly was over years ago — we had lost interest in Him, and looking back we’re not sure he was that into us either — but now we’ve finally ended things, and we’re ready to mix it up a little bit and see what’s out there! This is our first time writing one of these bio thingies, so be kind please!
First, some things about us. We enjoy rules and making people follow them (especially people who aren’t us), we’re a little bit obsessed with America and restoring it to its former glory, we strongly believe in American exceptionalism because it’s obvious that God’s chosen people would be exceptional, and we can’t get enough of Pretty Little Liars. (We just can’t figure that show out!)
Now, to make this easy for everyone, we’re going to give you some people who fit our type, so we don’t end up with any Obamas or Pope Francises or women! OK? Let’s dive in!
This guy is the real deal. He’s loud, prideful, hateful, and has a huge ego — a total 180 from our last Messiah — and he tells it like it is. That’s what we’re looking for. No more meekness and servanthood for us. We want a Messiah who will take our side, stand up for us, and make sure we are where we belong — on top and in charge.
Phil, like Donald, is a straight-shooter. If he thinks it, he says it, and America needs more people like that — the kind who will tell major magazines that our nation is headed down the path of destruction because of gay people. The one con to Phil is that, in that GQ interview, he appeared to be a little too familiar with what an anus looks like. That’s a bit disheartening. We mean, it makes you think. Otherwise, he’s amazing — really our type.
Sheriff David A. Clarke, Jr.
This dude is great! He’s a black guy, but he’s also saying everything we already believe about black people! What’s that, Sheriff Clarke? Black Lives Matter is a terrorist organization funded by George Soros and working for Obama to divide the nation racially? Now that’s a message we can get behind. And, again, he’s a black guy, so at the end of the day we’re agreeing with a black guy which means we can’t be racist. Win-win!
Pretty Much Any Country Singer
You can find a quote about faith or the Bible or going to church or American greatness from just about any of them, and those things are very important to us. Country singers talk about the things we like, so we don’t care if they live it or not. It’s what they say that matters.
If you’re a hilarious stand-up comedian, the spokesman for Golden Corral, and the subject of several memes about how this nation was founded on Christian principles and liberals are ruining everything, you might be our next Messiah! Right? LOL!
JK! He’s a Jew who criticizes super-wealthy people for being greedy, preaches that people should share with the less fortunate, demands that they be willing to give up some of their things so that other people can have what they need to survive, and believes they should think of others before themselves. That would never work. Gross!
His dad is a lot like our old Messiah, so that’s a hurdle for sure, but Franklin has really shown us something despite his poor, grace-and-love-and-acceptance-based upbringing. He is not tolerant of anything, and that is exactly what we’re looking for. Tolerance leads to moral relativism which leads to Sodom and Gomorrah! And we do not want that!
Sure, the Constitution is not a person, but it embodies everything we are looking for — rules, little room for alternative interpretations, and a love of country above all else including other people. If there’s a person out there who embodies the essence of the U. S. Constitution, then we hold THIS truth to be self-evident — YOU’RE IN!
Timmy has really had it tough. He’s been legitimately persecuted for praying in public and for being a virgin. The liberal media’s response to Tebow has shown us just how bad things gotten in this country, and he’s handled it like a Heisman Trophy winner. Plus, he plays baseball now and hit a home-run in his first professional at bat. Our last Messiah never did that!
So if you think we’d be a good match, hit us up! Also, please be sure you are charismatic and super-attractive so our friends will be impressed with you!
Thanks! Talk to you soon! Find us on AOL Instant Messenger: AmericanEvangels2002
Lead image: modified from Flickr/Connor Millin