MFM: White Evangelicals Seeking New Messiah

Hey, y’all!

White Evangelicals here. You know, Jerry Fallwell, Jr. types. We’re new to this whole dating thing, but ready to meet someone! We just got out of a long-term relationship that honestly was over years ago — we had lost interest in Him, and looking back we’re not sure he was that into us either — but now we’ve finally ended things, and we’re ready to mix it up a little bit and see what’s out there! This is our first time writing one of these bio thingies, so be kind please!

First, some things about us. We enjoy rules and making people follow them (especially people who aren’t us), we’re a little bit obsessed with America and restoring it to its former glory, we strongly believe in American exceptionalism because it’s obvious that God’s chosen people would be exceptional, and we can’t get enough of Pretty Little Liars. (We just can’t figure that show out!)

Now, to make this easy for everyone, we’re going to give you some people who fit our type, so we don’t end up with any Obamas or Pope Francises or women! OK? Let’s dive in!

Donald Trump

This guy is the real deal. He’s loud, prideful, hateful, and has a huge ego — a total 180 from our last Messiah — and he tells it like it is. That’s what we’re looking for. No more meekness and servanthood for us. We want a…