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Monthly Horoscopes By A Bitter Astrologist
By Alison Stevenson
I’m not an astrologist — but I did graduate with a degree in English. I’ve also read plenty of horoscopes, and even have a horoscope app on my phone. Plus, a psychic recently told me that I am a deeply intuitive person, before I forked over $30.
Knowing this, I have decided to use my intuitive powers for good, and share with you what your current month will be like based on the month you were born. I am able to predict this by looking at the moon, and the stars. The sun too. Staring at these things in the sky gives me deep insight into who you are individually.
But also collectively.
Aries
Your planet is in retrograde, I’m pretty sure. It’s Jupiter or Venus or something.
Hitler was an Aries, so based off of him I would say you are probably not a good person. Some might say you have great leadership skills, though. This month, take some time to reflect on your life choices. Are you too passionate about something? Stop that. Give up on your dreams. It’s not going to work out.
Taurus
My ex is a Taurus, so there is a good chance that you are too emotionally distant and too dependent on marijuana to get through life. It’s difficult for you to form a loving bond with a…