More Realistic Jobs For More Realistic Barbie!

By Liz Magee

Illustrations by Katie Tandy

Now that Barbie is designed to look more realistic — that “Don’t Eat” diet handbook is oh-so-outdated — her occupation options should be more realistic, too. Not every young girl is going to grow up to be a veterinarian, and the sooner they realize this, the better. Besides, being a vet mostly involves putting down old dogs anyways.

Bitter Bartender Barbie

Accessories include a wallet full of $1 bills so her friends can later make the very funny and original joke that “she’s just like a stripper,” six roommates who also make that stripper joke, and Michelle Obama arms to handle the demands of the job.

Bitter Bartender Barbie wears stains from her last shift, slip-resistant shoes (or so they claim to be . . . ), and a false smile that girlfriends will probably accuse her of using to flirt with their boyfriends, even though their boyfriends have the personality of khaki pants.

Babysitter Barbie

Accessories include a bottle of Advil liquid gels because the gels work a little faster than the standard pills, an adult coloring book for when the child is coloring or playing with her very own Babysitter Barbie, and a very large purse so that she can take a lot of snacks home with her because the text did say “help yourself.”

Babysitter Barbie wears leggings because they are comfortable and somehow stylish at the moment, an apolitical t-shirt so Barbie doesn’t have to explain anything to the kids, and it doesn’t matter what shoes because she babysits in a no-shoe home, of course.

Overeducated Receptionist Barbie

Accessories include a diploma from an expensive, liberal arts college that hangs in her closet-sized bedroom next to a poster of Paris, a stack of unopened letters from loan companies for Barbie to ignore, and a refillable coffee thermos since making coffee at home is much cheaper.

Overeducated Receptionist Barbie is expected to follow the office’s dress code, but still look provocative enough that she might sleep with you. She wears a sweater with a neckline that is low, but not so deep that her manager is forced to pull her aside, a pencil skirt that falls just above the knee because again, Overeducated Receptionist Barbie really doesn’t want to be pulled aside again, and expensive-looking black flats.

Unpaid Intern Barbie

intern

Accessories include a coffee tray to carry the specific Starbucks orders of everyone in the office, a cell phone that Barbie uses to call her parents and ask for more money because she doesn’t have rent this month either, and a nametag, even though she will most likely be addressed as “that kind-of-hot intern.”

Unpaid Intern Barbie is expected to look professional on the job even though she is not paid any money for doing her job. She comes with a blazer that she found at a Goodwill last year, an H&M dress she’s had since high school, and uncomfortable-looking black flats.

Waitress Barbie

Accessories include a bunch of TD bank pens that will disappear one by one throughout the day, a granola bar to munch on during her brief bathroom breaks, and vague sexual tension with most of the staff.

Waitress Barbie wears pieces of flair if it’s that kind of place, all black if it’s that kind of place, or some kind of degrading costume if it’s that kind of place.

Blogger Barbie

Accessories include a laptop that she wraps in a towel because she hasn’t gotten around to replacing a case for it yet, an empty Starbucks cup to bring into Starbucks so she doesn’t have to shell out $5 to secure real estate at a table (since she can’t seem to focus and get anything done at home), and a notebook full of clickbait headline ideas.

Blogger Barbie wears no bra, an assortment of Cheez-It and Cheese Nips crumbs because she couldn’t decide between the two, and bad posture from leaning over the keyboard.

Dog Walker Barbie

dog

Accessories include a bundle of poop bags for obvious reasons, headphones to avoid hearing the derogatory catcalls that are inevitable, and a playlist of empowering songs to metaphorically keep Barbie’s head up while she’s bent over picking up dog poop.

Dog Walker Barbie wears her pajamas or unisex T-shirts and sweatpants that could function as pajamas, along with sneakers that Barbie probably should have gotten rid of three years ago.

Sales Associate Barbie

Accessories include an uppity manager who insists that Barbie can go to her for anything, but who seems very annoyed any and every time that she’s actually needed, a name tag so that people can identify Barbie specifically in their harsh Yelp reviews, and a different manager who makes borderline inappropriate remarks about her appearance nearly everyday.

Sales Associate Barbie wears whatever the company requires her to wear, which is usually a T-shirt with the company’s logo, an optional visor or hat with the company’s logo, and khaki pants that collectively erase all evidence of her being an individual.

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