New Apps for Maintaining Your #RelationshipGoals
By Jean Ho
You’ve finally swiped and matched your way to monogamous bliss, and last week, the two of you simultaneously deleted all the dating apps from your phones. Ah, modern romance. Now, check out this list of new smart apps to help you maintain those #RelationshipGoals.
Use this app to create a diversion when you have to fart while your partner is in your vicinity. iGas will send an incoming phone call to your phone with a fake avatar — set it to “Grandma,” “Office,” or some other plausible caller — so that you may politely step away and fart discreetly. Integrate iGas+Body to measure biometrics of your overall digestive health, and upload your personal iGas index to compare stats with friends!
This app uses GPS technology to alert you if any former lovers are at the same concert, restaurant/bar, sporting event etc. so you can avoid an awkward run-in while out with your new boo. The free version limits you to only three exes and select locations; for an additional fee, opt into Avoidem Premium for unlimited exes and international geographical range, plus a cool new feature that segments your list into one-night stands, blind dates that didn’t work out, LTRs, and more. (Some users have been downloading Avoidem to engineer “accidental” run-ins with former lovers — the makers do not endorse this off-brand usage of the app.)
Can’t keep your partner’s friends’ and co-workers’ names straight? Having a hard time remembering all her cousins and aunties and nieces and nephews? Enter JustWho, the lifesaving app when you’re the plus-one at your partner’s high school reunion, best friend’s wedding, or work happy hour. Simply hold up your phone’s camera to the person whose name you can’t remember (but feel too embarrassed to ask, for the tenth time), and JustWho will send you a text within 30 seconds, with identification and any pertinent biographical information. “Like Shazaam, but for people!” raves Wired Magazine.
After the initial honeymoon period, you’ll inevitably start to realize your new sweetheart isn’t perfect, and after you have the same fight for the millionth time, no one would blame you for reminiscing about that old flame. Why’d you break up with them, anyway? Enter OhYeah…the app that catalogs all of your ex’s flaws that you might have forgotten about in the meantime. OhYeah…will auto-start when your phone senses you scrolling through an old lover’s Instagram or when you pull up their number on your phone to send a “harmless” text.
Before you post another pic of your new boo as your #MCM or #WCW again, please download Kringe. Using syntax recognition software and a mathematical algorithm that indexes your combined social media presence, Kringe is designed to help you avoid becoming the couple that crosses the line from “Awwww, cute!” into “Christ, get a room!” with your lovey-dovey / flesh-laden status updates.