New Homeland Security Rage Advisory Color Chart

From moss green to insanely pissed off violent red — a handy guide!

Established by President George W. Bush in 2002, the widely mocked Homeland Security Advisory System, a color-coded guide to terrorist threats, survived nine years before it was dumped under Obama.

Now, in the face of increasing threats to American ideals and freedoms, it seems imperative to bring it back. Below is a new guide for our modern times.

No anger; I’m asleep or stoned.

Anger risk is low; I’ve stayed off of social media for two days reading romance novels.

Anger risk is elevated after seeing a pick-up truck with a Trump sticker and a Jesus fish.

Anger risk is high; heard Trump’s voice and made the mistake of tasting pumpkin spice beer.

Anger risk is severe; saw a tweet from a Trump supporter advising: “Give him a chance!”

Anger risk is — oh fuck, someone find me a demonstration, I need to march all over someone.

WTF did he tweet? Give me the wine.

Shut up about Bernie already, Susan Sarandon.

Really, more slut shaming?

Illegal voters, my ass.

Oh, the goddamn wall. The goddamn wall isn’t going to solve anything.

How long did ICE detain her? Really, where the hell is that wine?

Pfffft, we don’t need no regulations.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, public education.

You can still be anti-Semitic with a Jewish daughter, believe me.

Russia, Russia, for fuck’s sake, Russia.

Just because you hire women doesn’t mean you’re not a misogynist.

I hate everyone.

Transgender kids aren’t a threat to you, but I sure as hell am.

No, he actually doesn’t give a shit about the working class.

That’s the definition of sexual assault for Christ’s sake.

Holy crap, of course it’s a fucking hate crime.


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