New Job Opening: Antichrist
Position Description: Angel of Darkness, Lucifer, Beelzebub, King of Hell, Satan, the devil
Washington, D.C., New York, and Mar-a-Lago
(satellite office in Moscow will be provided as needed)
The Antichrist will focus on sowing seeds of discord at the local, regional, and global levels. His actions will fulfill the prophecy of Luke 12:53, ensuring that father be divided against son, brother against brother, and that the fury of children is so great, they will seek to murder their parents. (And ideally, half their friends on Facebook.)
Our candidate will come disguised as the Great Humanitarian; he will promise peace, prosperity, and plenty. His followers will praise him without question, even as they grovel in coal dust, beg for food, and pray for medical relief.
The Antichrist will be charged with deceiving humanity. His skills of deception will be so profound, his ability to draw a following so exquisite, that even as he speaks of grabbing women by the pussy and trying to f@#% them “like a bitch,” all the while proffering unfettered lies and delusions, he will successfully garner upwards of 80% of the Evangelical vote for the highest office in the land.
*Job perk: He will enjoy the irony and satisfaction of knowing that these are the very people who, for centuries, have lived in utter terror at the prospect of his arrival!
The Antichrist will bring rebellion and be a “man of lawlessness” (2 Thessalonians 2:3), as evidenced by his refusal to reveal conflicts of interest, provide tax returns, pay taxes, or offer wages to those who have labored in building his empire.
He will cultivate and maintain an oppressive society and promote the organization’s goals of curtailing civil and human rights.
*Job perk: He will be afforded a base that has a high degree of intolerance for women, blacks, gays, and Muslims.
The Antichrist will be charged with taking an axe to world order. He will create mayhem and confusion, and generally tear democratic norms to smithereens.
Under the guise of security, he will create walls around his constituents and destroy alliances that have been delicately cultivated for centuries, thus endangering the entire population.
The Antichrist Will Manage the Following:
Muslim registry. Refugees from seven countries will be denied access to what was heretofore known as “the free world.” A 90-day trial will be instituted during which time those whose lives are threatened will be turned away, with the exception of “Christians” (thus ensuring the continued support of any pious folks who might be starting to get nervous right about now. . .)
Muslim identification. Each Muslim will be given an identification number; biometric data will be obtained and stored on a central database.
General Population identification. Social security numbers are passé and not nearly as exciting as personal data acquired through surveillance and backdoor channels. Now won’t it be fun to make all U.S. citizens submit their biometric data too??
As for that pesky “Mark of the Beast” — there will be no buying or selling without it. Think of it as a credit card, only smaller. People will line up for miles to get their new form of I.D. (especially when they get wind of our restrictions on cell phone/internet use for non-compliers!). Just have them choose “right hand” or “forehead,” and start. that. microchipping.
Neccessary Qualifications and Experience:
The Antichrist will come from a background of privilege and opulence and will possess at least 20 years of experience gaining great wealth at the expense of others. Ideally, his business holdings will draw from the industries of real estate, gaming & lodging, and entertainment (with a minimum of at least one enterprise that focuses on making a spectacle of women).
The ideal candidate must possess an ability to maintain a dedicated base, even while cultivating a totalitarian society. He must be a demonstrated narcissist capable of redefining reality, and must be comfortable using the Orwellian playbook to promote the organization’s motto: “reject the evidence of your eyes and ears.”
The Antichrist will possess at least 20 years of experience gaining great wealth at the expense of others.
Candidate must have a commitment to rewriting history, and a desire to sequester scientific data. (We wouldn’t want people to know that if we burn all the fossil fuels in the ground, we’ll lose the world’s ice, and see an eventual sea rise of 250 feet. Mum’s the word!)
The Antichrist must possess a natural inclination toward a personal ultra-high net-worth profile, and thrive on the enhancement of personal relationships and networks to the benefit of his fortune (note: family members who hold an equity stake in 666 Fifth Avenue may be required to sell it for the sake of appearances).
Skills and Interests:
Ability to communicate in 140 characters, and ONLY in 140 characters.
Interest in war and weapons of mass destruction; a high degree of comfort with the prospect of unleashing an atomic force a gazillion times that of Hiroshima*
Preference will be given to applicants who like pussy, like to grab pussy, and most importantly — and this cannot be stressed enough — like to talk about grabbing pussy.
*Job perk: breath mints provided
Speaker of the United States House of Representatives
Coal Whisperer and United States Senator from Kentucky
Head of the Faith & Freedom Coalition
President of the Russian Federation
Learn more about this opportunity: