Official Application To Join Bundys’ Oregon Militia

Thank you for expressing your interest in joining our militia! We are always on the lookout for like-minded patriots to join our team. Think you’re tough enough to help us forcefully occupy a rural birdwatching sanctuary? Please fill out this simple application and send it to us (along with some Luna Bars because Steve was in charge of packing snacks and he accidentally filled the cooler with armor-piercing bullets). If you pass the initial screening process, we will get in touch. If not, just show up wearing a leather jacket with the American flag spray-painted on the back and you’ll fit in fine. And don’t forget: it’s BYO-AR15!

  1. How would you describe the color of your skin?
    A) Milky White
    B) Alabaster
    C) Ivory
    D) Waxen
  2. How big are your testicles, as compared to the metal testicles hanging off the back of your pickup truck?
    A) Bigger
    B) Way bigger
    C) WAAAYYYY bigger
  3. Please describe the size of your personal arsenal using lyrics from Ted Nugent songs:
Screen Shot 2016-01-07 at 12.29.47 PM
  1. Where was NOBAMA born, according to his official birth certificate?
    A) Kenya
    B) Pakistan
    C) Osama Bin Laden’s Family Compound Maternity Ward
  2. Which of the following two scenarios best describes how you would like to die?
    A) At home surrounded by family and friends
    B) In a hail of bullets while waving a “Don’t Tread On Me” flag
  3. Please rank the following terms and concepts in order of how angry they make you:

-Women who have opinions

-Minorities who don’t know their place

-People who don’t own American Sniper on Blu-Ray AND DVD

-The Dixie Chicks

-Sweden

-Planned Parenthood

-A group of immigrant children picnicking at a national park

  1. On average, how many times per day do you use the word “uppity”?
    A) Once or twice
    B) Three to five times
    C) Too many to count!
  2. What’s your favorite TV show?
    A) Gunsmoke
    B) Duck Dynasty
    C) War Stories with Oliver North
    D) Throwdown with Bobby Flay
  3. Constantly standing up for the constitution can be tiring! What are your preferred methods of self-care during your downtime?
    A) Bubble baths
    B) Long talks with a good friend
    C) Mailing your own feces to the White House
  4. In the space below, draw a map of the new country we will form after we topple the federal government using the following symbols to indicate key locations:

Rectangle = Gun vending machine

Circle = Immigrant checkpoint

Triangle = Leather vest store

Square = Claim Jumper restaurant that accepts shotgun shell casings instead of money

ESSAY QUESTIONS

How do you plan on continuing to address the main threat to our national freedom that is publicly funded visitors’ centers for retired birdwatchers?

What is your favorite constitutional amendment and why? Just kidding! It’s the Second Amendment. Skip to next question.

It is common knowledge that white men are the true victims in our society. What are 10 ways you have been victimized recently and what gun did you shoot to make you feel better?

What skills and qualities* would you bring to the militia?

*By “skills and qualities” here, we of course mean “guns and snacks.”

Responses
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