Playtex: “Support Can Be Beautiful!”

Salutations on this fine, fine Saturday!

I’m thrilled to bring you another delectable brain-dirge designed to make you a little more pliant, passive, and pea-brained. I refer to our Sexist Saturday series of course — with every vintage video you’ll find yourself one step closer to societal synchronicity. In short? You’ll be forced to question your foolish feminist notions; things used to be so much simpler, charming, and lovingly Luddite. Why move the needle? It’s exhausting. Why question the status quo? It’s futile.

Why riot and rant and wrinkle your pretty nose when you could be bon-bon-ing by the pool? I think you’ll agree that this video is a salient reminder of how far we’ve come from the good ‘ol days, and how delicious it’d be to slip right back down into the sludge, where it’s warm and dark and you know your place.

Playtex surfaces some really good points delivered by the kind of woman — inexplicably amped, vacant, and dead-high on Valium — that you can really get behind:

Don’t you want to feel so excited by your new bra that you manically unbutton your sweater in a public place to show it off?

Don’t you want your lunch interrupted by strange men whistling at your breasts? Twice?

Don’t you want your breasts to look mildly weaponized, like conical samosas clad in thin white rubber?

Don’t you want your bra to look like a small — but hearty — life-jacket?

Here’s to feeling pretty, even though you know you’re not.

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