Presidential Candidates And Their Man Cards

So, what was it, a week ago that Trump accused Hillary Clinton of using her Woman Card in this election? Let me say, it’s about time he recognized her actions. A WOMAN using her WOMAN VOICE to talk about wanting REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS and THE SAME PAY AS MEN is so female that literally my boobs had to type this very sentence, because nothing as gender-neutral as hands could type something so womanly.

And I’m glad that Trump called out Hillary’s use of the Woman Card, because it really is shameful. If you have a card, it’s supposed to be used a lot. And occasionally asking for pesky woman things like not having to die in a back-alley abortion is a waste of such a valuable card. We should be filling this election with our frilly, womanly wiles. This election should look like Elle’s law school application in Legally Blonde — pink and pretty and smelling of lilacs.

Take the Man Card, for instance. These candidates have definitely earned at least FIVE FREE LATTES EACH with their liberal use of the Man Card. They are living the Manly-Man dream. They are pulling their dicks out and slapping them on the podium with wild abandon. They are throat punching their way through the primaries. They are pissing circles around each and every state. They are declaring war on each other and the entire world. They are grunting and chest-thumping their way to the presidency.

So let’s take a look at some of the many beautiful ways in which our male candidates (or, as the case may be, former male candidates) have used their Man Cards this election season. Take notes ladies — in this hyper-masculine, cisnormative election, you have to grab your candidacy by the leg and hump it to the White House.

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“I’m here to say that I think we are, in fact, the A-Team.”
- Mike Huckabee

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“Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president? I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”
- Donald Trump on Carly Fiorina

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“Frankly, it’s time we punched the Russians in the nose.”
- John Kasich

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“I wish it was always as easy as you, Jeb. Oh you’re a tough guy, Jeb, I know. Real tough. You’re real tough, Jeb . . . You interrupted me, Jeb. Are you going to apologize, Jeb?”
- Trump

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“Honestly, I think Jeb is a very nice person. He’s a very nice person. But we need tough people. We need toughness.”
- Trump

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“If I’m president of the United States and you’re thinking about joining al-Qaeda or ISIL [the Islamic State], I’m not gonna call a judge. I’m gonna call a drone and we will kill you.”
- Lyndsey Graham

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“Man, she sees a federal prosecutor on the stage . . . I’ll beat her rear end on that stage and you know what? After I do she’ll be relieved because she’ll just be worried I was going to serve her with a subpoena.”
- Chris Christie on Hillary Clinton

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“If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?”
- Trump

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“Sit back there, little Katy . . . a third-rate reporter.”
- Trump

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“ . . . many women, who left their kitchens to go out and go door to door and to put yard signs up for me.”
- Kasich

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“But I do have concerns about women in frontline combat. I think that could be a very compromising situation, where people naturally may do things that may not be in the interest of the mission because of other types of emotions that are involved.”
- Rick Santorum

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“If you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously, okay? Just knock the hell — I promise you, I will pay for the legal fees.”
- Trump

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“I would just bomb those suckers, and that’s right, I’d blow up the pipes, I’d blow up the refineries, I’d blow up every single inch, there would be nothing left.”
- Trump

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“I’d have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me, but he’s not around right now to talk to.”
- Jim Webb, on who his “best enemy” is

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“You know what they say about men with small hands? You can’t trust them. You can’t trust them.”
- Marco Rubio on Trump

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“Look at those hands, are they small hands? And, he referred to my hands — ‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”
- Trump

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“I beat her and beat her badly, and I only had one little interchange and that was four weeks ago when she said I was sexist. Believe me, they had a rough weekend that weekend.”
- Trump on Clinton

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“Last night he was actually pretty calm after I punched him around a little bit.”
- Rubio on Trump

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“What we need to do is re-educate the women to understand that they are the defenders of these babies.”
- Ben Carson

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“We will carpet-bomb them into oblivion. I don’t know if sand can glow in the dark, but we’re going to find out!”
- Ted Cruz

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Lead image: flickr/Gage Skidmore (image has been doctored)

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