Résumé For A Twitter Egg

My extensive background in homophobia, racism, sexism, and uninvited opinions makes me perfect for this job.


To find employment in a field where no identification is required, in which my skills as an expert in every subject will be appreciated.


Name: The Ben Carson Skool of Science-y Things

Degree: B.S.

Name: Temporary Community College of Macedonia

Degree: M.B.A. (pending; waiting for wire transfer to go through)

Employment History:

*The 2016 Presidential Election Campaigns & Aftermath (2015-current)

Title: MAGA Hashtag Savant

Supervisor: Vladimir Putin

*When the Female-led Ghostbusters Movie Was Announced (2014–2016)

Title: Fragile Fanboy

Supervisor: Steve, who called me a wuss when I initially suggested we should maybe give it a chance first

*That Random Conversation You Were Having (approx. once a week)

Title: Uninvited Opinion Egg

Supervisor: My internal voice of superiority

*The Obama Birther Conspiracy (2008-when the truth comes out)

Title: Amateur Forensic Interpreter

Supervisor: Angry White people

*Any Verifiable Fact-Based Retweet (current)

Title: Lead Disinformation Scholar

Supervisor: This dude I met on the dark web


  • Ability to divert conversations and quickly elevate hostility
  • Proven record of replying to tweets with “Well, actually” to get point across
  • Well versed in alternative facts
  • Excellent multi-taking skills demonstrated by numerous hastily put-together burner accounts
  • Fluent in misogyny, racism, homophobia
  • Expert in masking feelings of inadequacy
  • Proficient in the shaming arts



*References available on any Illuminati subreddit

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