Romantic Valentine’s Day Dates Inspired By The GOP Presidential Candidates

Stumped on how to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year? Why not look to the most obvious source of romantic inspiration: the current field of Republican presidential candidates! Here are eight date ideas sure to be a resounding success.

A classic dinner date inspired by Ted Cruz

Treat your date to a romantic meal at a real, down-home restaurant (steer clear of uppity establishments with “New York values,” like Einstein Brothers Bagels). Complain loudly and incessantly about the menu and how much better it was eight years ago. Alienate everyone in the restaurant, the restaurant staff, and your date. When the restaurant refuses to cater their menu to your extreme and unpopular demands, shut down the restaurant for two weeks to teach them a lesson.

A blind date inspired by Jeb Bush

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Tell all your friends, colleagues, and wealthy donors that there is NO DOUBT you have LOCKED IN a super sexy Valentine’s Day date at a fancy bar. Get all dolled up, go to the bar, and wait for your date to arrive. When your date doesn’t show up, repeatedly remind the hostess of your last name. Sit there for hours looking vaguely perplexed as to why your date isn’t here. Sit there until long after there’s any chance your date is going to show up. Say your last name out loud to no one in particular, just in case. Ponder whether you actually want to be sitting at this bar, or if you’re here because you’re subconsciously trying to gain your father’s approval.

A couple’s massage inspired by Carly Fiorina

Schedule a sexy side-by-side couple’s massage at a fancy spa. As the blissful, relaxing treatment begins, realize you could cut costs by having one masseuse massage both of you. Fire the second masseuse. Realize you could cut costs even more by having the remaining masseuse handle the booking, operations, front desk work, clean-up, marketing, and management of the spa. Fire everyone else. Don’t stop until 30,000 people have lost their jobs. Then you can truly relax.

An upscale night on the town inspired by Donald Trump

This date begins with a small gift from your dad, in the form of a $1,000,000 gift certificate to The Olive Garden. You know, just to get you on your feet. After enjoying a bounty of unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks (because only a total loser would accept limited breadsticks!), have a limo take you and your lover to the hottest club in town. Throw a few hundred-dollar bills at the bouncer to skip the line, then instantly become irate that the DJ is playing Pitbull, a known proponent of interracial mingling and sexual relations between whites and Latinos. Leave the club immediately and build a wall around it to trap all the total losers inside. Send the bill to Pitbull, because for some reason that makes sense.

A sexy surprise inspired by Ben Carson

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Show up at your lover’s door unannounced wearing only a trench coat. When they open the door and motion for you to come inside, just stand on the welcome mat for a really long time.

A platonic afternoon coffee date inspired by Marco Rubio

When your date refuses to see you on Valentine’s Day because they “don’t like you that much” and “don’t really know who you are,” convince them to join you for a 10-minute coffee meeting on February 13. Calmly lay out your 20-second spiel on why you deserve a real date. If they don’t seem to respond well the first time, repeat it word-for-word 10 more times.

A cozy night at home inspired by Chris Christie

Light candles, play soft music, and stock up on champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries. When your lover arrives, splay out on a bear-skin rug and whisper in their ear, “I hope there’s a record-breaking storm tonight so I can show you my leadership skills.”

A romantic gesture inspired by John Kasich

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Send your crush a huge bouquet of roses along with a card that says, “I’m going to sit over here quietly and wait for you to realize the person you’re currently into is insane.”


Lead image: flickr/Michael Vadon; all other images: Wikimedia Commons

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