SPLAT Honors Youngest Member
By Diane de Anda
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
SPLAT (Society for the Promotion of Live Animal Targets) Gala Honors Youngest Member
Houston, Texas — July 2nd, 2016
This past weekend, a lavish party was held at the SPLAT lodge ballroom — more than 350 crystal chandeliers cast dancing flecks of light across the dead, marbled eyes of bears, elk, elephants, lion, tigers, and rhinos that lined the wall. Despite the 90-degree weather, fur coats abounded. Wives and “other women” proudly displayed the trophies their husbands and lovers had bagged for them, the most stunning being a floor-length cape fashioned from six Siberian snow leopards. Meanwhile the men were resplendent in black tie coupled with the traditional SPLAT headdress — a skull cap flanked by two erect wolf ears.
The special awardee of the night was 9-year-old Butch Swartzenheston. His proud parents shared their recollections with the spell-bound crowd: “We knew he was a natural from when he was just a toddler. We’d put on Disney videos, and he’d pretend he was the hunter who shot Bambi’s mother or who bagged the Lion King, singing ‘Hakuna Matata’ as he pulled the trigger on his little Uzi replica. He’d have us replay the scene over and over so he could shoot Old Yeller with the 12 gauge he inherited from his granddad.” His mother paused, growing emotional.
“Butch was a prodigy. He made his first kill when he was only 2 years old, clubbing a thieving squirrel to death with his bottle as it climbed up next to him to swipe one of his cookies. We had it stuffed and made into a mobile to hang above his baby brother’s crib to inspire him to follow his brother’s example.”
The young hunter then took the mic and eloquently described what he liked best about his hunting experiences. It brought tears of joy to the eyes of many in the audience as his descriptions resonated with their own feelings and memories. “I love the squeal of terror as the bullet rips through the animal’s flesh,” the boy gushed. “I love the thud that ripples through the air as the lifeless body hits the ground, the scent of fresh blood in the wind that wafts toward me, swelling my chest. I salivate as the taste rolls across my palate.”
The child then launched into the discrimination he’d had to endure; the faces of the audience grew flushed and angry as he spoke. “There I was, my AK-47 poised to protect my fellow students from any intruder. How was I supposed to know she was a substitute teacher? And what a waste of taxpayers’ money, calling in the SWAT team. They claimed they had a no-violence tolerance policy at the school as they escorted me out, but they just don’t understand that you can’t stop violence without a gun. Now, I am proud to be home-schooled where I can wear my flack jacket and sidearm rather than give up my right to bear arms as a proud American.”
Amid roaring applause, the SPLAT board of directors came on stage and took turns presenting Butch with his honors. “We are proud to present you with these gifts to help you hone your skills in the art of the kill. First, a 10-inch dagger carved from the horn of a Black rhino along with instruction from a retired navy seal. Second, an animal gutting kit set in a stunning case lined with Sumatran tiger fur. We’re also offering you a month-long internship with poachers from The Republic of Congo — an unprecedented offer for someone your age — and free shipping of any African elephant tusks. Finally, a gift certificate for the taxidermy of your choice and $10,000 in credit with SPLAT’s own bail bondsman.” They then slipped a gold chain with a medallion embedded with one of Cecil the lion’s teeth over his head; the audience leapt to their feet in tumultuous cheers.
The ceremonies concluded with this tribute by the Exalted Alpha: “We’d like to honor another discriminated minority today, the brave aerial hunters who pursue the gray wolf using only a helicopter and the scopes on their high-powered rifles. Onward through miles and miles of desolate wilderness they persevere to bring down this imminent threat to civilization.”
The crowd then retired to the banquet room to feast on wolf pup stew.
Lead image: publicdomainimage.com